Today is a day like most. Ups and downs. Starts off with a good cry, then my walk. Kayla, Ty and I are getting through day by day, hour by hour. Our grief counselor was here yesterday confirming we are on track. Sure doesn’t feel like it. It’s hard to imagine life will ever be worth living again. Right now it’s just making it through the day.
I’m sitting on the deck thinking/praying/meditating. Kayla got a visit from a butterfly yesterday. I’ve been having visits from a hummingbird. I’m asking God why Shayna had to go before me. If I had the choice, I would have taken the bullet for the team. I should have been the one to go. Why? That question keeps coming back up. Then it hits me. We are playing the roles were meant to play and probably the roles we chose. Staying behind. Staying here. This is the tough one. Shayna is happy where she is. If she is missing us, it’s outside of time. It won’t be a lifetime for her before she sees us again. It’s the blink of an eye. So, maybe this role that I have is the one that spares her the pain of having to deal with my loss had it been the other way around. Maybe I chose it to be the one who really takes the bullet. Just as this thought occurs to me, the hummingbird makes his appearance. He approaches me from my right side. He hovers right near me, within 2 feet, for a moment and then he’s off. Is this confirmation of the message I just received? All is as it was meant to be, as we agreed on?
I feel this is right. It’s the way it’s supposed to be. Deep sigh. How will I do this though?