Day 462- Helpless, Hopeless, Worthless

The word of the day is frustration.  I wake early this morning with the same prayer I have on my lips every morning. I ask anyone listening for help to make it through this.  Give me strength, wisdom, guidance, patience, whatever you’ve got.  And I pray it’s over soon.  Then these three words come to mind. Helpless.  Hopeless. Worthless.

I feel helpless because I feel like I’m struggling with no way out.  Life feels like a pit of quicksand now in several ways.  On a personal level, I’m doing everything I know to do to get by. The idea that life could be fun or have joy is not something I’m even dreaming of.  It’s a grind.
Just make it bearable. I know there is a purpose in this.  I know I’m supposed to grow.  I sense that maybe I should be helping other people by sharing all I’ve learned and am learning.  Helping Parents Heal has drawn a couple of people to our first meetings. People are reaching out to me one-on-one.  I’m sharing and hopefully contributing.  But, it doesn’t feel like enough.  Then, there’s the business.  Taxes are due. It’s not going to be good news. Sales are down.  I don’t know what to do.  I keep changing things around trying to find the right formula.  We bring in new products.  We drop old products. I hire companies to help. I fire companies.  Tomorrow we meet with another company we’ve just brought on board to help light a fire under sales.  Optimism that any of them can help has turned to desperation.  It’s hard to keep believing.  I’d like to be working on taking care of my soul.  But, taking care of the body, at least in this world, has to be primary.  Keeping body and soul together takes time, effort and money and it’s exhausting.  If I only I could focus on one of these struggles, maybe I could handle one at a time.

From the helplessness rises hopelessness.  I’ve been trying so hard for so long, why should I believe that things will get better? And with Shayna’s passing, well, that is the ultimate in hopelessness.   Everything else can be recovered from. If the worst comes to pass concerning the business, I can do some sort of job to get by.  But, as I look forward in this life, no matter how happy a spin I try to put on it, there will always be a massive hole. There are still times when it will hit me, out of the blue, that Shayna is really gone.  It’s not a dream.  She was not a dream. I had a beautiful, talented, sweet girl who was a gift to this world and to me and she’s no longer here.  I don’t cry as much as I used to.  It’s been almost 15 months now. Sometimes I think I’m better.  But, I think what it is there are only so many tears to cry. After a while, you come to realize the tears don’t do anything to bring her back.  So, they come less often.  But, they come.  My hope lies in what lies beyond.  Time separates me from it. And, I don’t even know how much time.  So, hope wanes.

And from this helplessness and hopelessness is born worthlessness.  I’ve always struggled to find my place in the world.  I’ve done all right for myself. I was a very late bloomer.  I didn’t date until I was out of college. I didn’t marry Tywana until I was nearly 30, but once I hit my stride, I did pretty well. I did better than pretty well.  We’ve been married for almost 26 years.  We had two beautiful girls.  I had two decent careers.  I built a business that got the girls through their childhood.  But, what now? What’s the purpose of more?  And, can I even do it?  I wasn’t the best salesman in the world.  I’m proving not to be the best entrepreneur in the world.  I’d love to make a huge impact by helping people get through grief and not fear death, but it’s a little late in life for a career change, and there is that whole thing about having to make a living. What am I supposed to bring and when is it going to happen?

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