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Day 469- Loving The World Again

ByBrian Smith

Today is a beautiful day weather-wise.  It’s mid-fall and it’s a sunny day. It’s in the lower 50s for my morning walk and it’s supposed to be 80º this afternoon. The Buckeyes won last night in an overtime nailbiter against Wisconsin. The Bengals are on TV this afternoon.

At church, we are having musical guests, a mini-concert instead of the sermon. The theme is “Loving the World Again” or something like that.  On such a beautiful day, that should be easy.  I’m not feeling it though. The Bengals are playing the Patriots. I know we’re going to lose. I just don’t know by how much. It might be close, it might be a blowout, but the Bengals will find a way to lose.  Before I go to church I check in on Facebook.  One of the people I’ve been talking with about the passing of their daughter has just been separated from their spouse. The spouse saying their sadness, less than two months after the daughter transitioned, is just too much for them to take. I don’t even know what to say to try to bring comfort to this person.  I’m not feeling this thing about loving the world. My world sucks.

The service is just getting started and a buddy in service sends me a message on Facebook “U look super happy to be here today.” (sarcasm font omitted). I want to respond “I’m not happy to be anywhere right now.” Instead, I just send back “Every day is a struggle.” And it is.

I’m reading a book right now written by a mother whose son committed suicide. The kid was bipolar, had Tourette’s and faced a lot of challenges.  He tells the mother he is free from that now, but he knows what he put the family through by choosing to do what he did.  I used to wonder if there would ever be anything in my life that I would love or could possibly love more than myself. I know the answer to that now.  And the answer is yes.  Tywana and Kayla keep me anchored here. I have to be here for them.  I don’t love the world right now. I see a long dreary road stretched out in front of me.  But, I love the people in it who care for me and who depend on me.