Shayna’s death has done really odd things to my perception of time and even the way I want to perceive time. Every day is one more day removed from when I last talked to her, last hugged her, last kissed her cheek. My fear is my memories will fade. But, every day is one step closer to reunion. So, I live in the world between my memories of having her and my anticipation of seeing her again. I live in a world where I am not able to go back and not able to move forward fast enough. This is the land of grief. I don’t know if I want time to slow down so the memories don’t fade or speed up so I can see her again. Then, I have less than two weeks before I have to take Kayla back to school. Kayla being home has been a lifesaver. Taking her back to school is going to suck big time. I want to squeeze every moment I can out of these next few days and just freeze this time with her.
I have found that the griefbursts (thanks for that phrase Annie) come when I try to live in the past or when I think too much about the future. Thinking about years or even months without Shayna in my life is overwhelming. I just can’t do it. I have to take it a day at a time. Each day the goal right now is to get to the evening. Living in the now is important, but now is the land of grief. So confusing.
Today I had lunch with my new friend Nico. Nico is a deeply spiritual person. Most would say Nico is “out there”. Nico is into crystals, talking to the dead and “energy” and all kinds of stuff. I have only met Nico twice, but each time we have met I have left with a deep feeling of peace. I don’t know if it’s the conversations or the guy actually gives off some energy that I’m absorbing. Nico helps me focus on the big picture and to see beyond the veil most of us have accepted. When I’m with Nico, the veil seems thinner. This world is back in proportion to where it should be in my life. I see the world as a more magical place when we talk. I see my soul’s journey, not just my human journey. We talk about synchronicity and coincidences and signs. The signs since Shayna have passed have been amazing. Some would dismiss them as coincidences though. Each one can be explained away. Nico tells me there are no coincidences. Nico has told me things about Shayna and Kayla that have brought me peace. These are things he knows because he says he has been in contact with Shayna since her passing. Today there isn’t that, just a talk about the reality I am trying to bring into focus. Nico helps me with my plan. He gives me some meditation tips. He tells me about clearing negative energy out of the house and he encourages me to keep doing what I am doing and things will open up to me.
I come home and some friends stop over with gifts from the high school volleyball team and from them. The volleyball team has been devastated in the last couple of years and they are honoring the girls who have been stricken. Two have been hit with brain cancer and Shayna passed suddenly. Two of the girls have passed. The coaches and team have been amazing in supporting the families and Victoria, who is thankfully still with us. In fact, it’s Victoria and her mother who make the delivery. Shayna had been helping the team help Victoria during her struggles. Seeing her and Joan brings a flood of emotion. Ty and I both cry a bit.
It’s evening and I invite Ty to sit on the deck with me. This has become the place I go to reflect. We are talking about trying to expand our minds to wrap our heads around this. We discuss how the bigger picture doesn’t take away the pain, but it does dull the pain. We commit to trying to keep the bigger picture in mind. We have come to the conclusion that we are here to learn, that we are part of soul group and this was the plan. Being part of a plan, a plan we participated in is oddly comforting. This is all new to her and while she is trying to embrace it, it’s difficult to completely shift your paradigm. She is wondering if this is really real and asking for some confirmation (in her mind. She did not ask aloud).
It’s dark out as we speak. We have a security light on the deck that is off when we are still. It’s triggered by motion and then goes off. The dogs are triggering it occasionally. At the moment, it is on. That is when I see it. I see something very small, not more than an inch long float out of the darkness and alight on the arm of the chair right next to her. The chair arm that is about three inches wide. I ask her “What is that on the arm of the chair next to you?” From where I was sitting, I couldn’t tell. She looks over and picks it up. It’s another tiny feather. Feathers are one of the signs our loved one send us. I found one on the deck a couple of days ago, the first I can recall seeing out there.
If we hadn’t gone outside, we probably never would have found that tiny feather. It surely would have blown away by this morning. Had the light not been on at the moment, I would not have seen it. If it hadn’t landed right on the arm of her chair, I probably would not have noticed it. All coincidence? And most importantly was the timing of when it flew in. Ty took the feather as confirmation that her thinking at that moment was right.