I Go To Pieces
Tonight as I’m lying in bed reading a few pages before rolling over to fall asleep, I receive a text from Kayla. There’s a video attached to it. I click the play button and I see images of Kayla and Shayna set to music. I’m reminded of the special bond between those two. And I just lose it. I cry like I haven’t cried in months. My heart literally feels like it’s breaking, like it’s going to jump out of my chest. So, I wrap my arms around myself to hold it in.
There are times when I miss Shayna more than others, but there are not many moments back-to-back when I don’t think about her. I’m getting used to her not being here, but I will never be OK with it. For some reason this video though just breaks me to pieces. It’s a reminder of what Kayla is missing not having her “Baby Sist” as Kayla called Shayna while she was still in the womb. They had such big plans for life. I know that, Kayla and Tywana miss Shayna probably more than I do in many ways and that breaks my heart even more than my longing for Shayna.
It’s been nearly 17 months now. Many times, I’m actually OK. But, I can be taken back in just an instant. The right song, a picture of Shayna, even a thought snaps me back to the cold reality that is my life now.
Someone in my afterlife topics group asked if it’s true there is no separation in the afterlife. The reports are that if you just think of someone, the two of you are together. I still remember being a little kid in my bed in the dark realizing the separation that is inherent in this world and absolutely detesting it. I sure hope the reports are true.