The small amounts of sleep I get are such sweet relief from this world. I wish I could just sleep until it’s time to join her again.  As painful as just functioning with every thought focused on her is, I think the worst part is the waking up. 

Each day we begin life anew when we open our eyes.  Some Buddhists call this reincarnation. Thoughts of Shayna fill every empty moment of my stream of consciousness.  I’m not getting into a deep sleep anyway, so she is always right there or just under the surface. So when I wake up, the first thing I think about is her and how I am beginning life again without her.  Fresh agony Couple that with waking up multiple times during the night and, oh, it’s just so much. Sleeping is an escape, but sleeping means waking, which means starting once again without her.

Last night was a bit better. The pain was there this morning, but I didn’t sob, at least not right away. I laid in bed a few minutes.  Then, I had the simple thought “I’ll never hear her ringtone again.” Each of my girls had their own ringtone and hers was “Sweet Love” . When I would hear that, my heart would quicken because I knew when I answered I’d hear “Hey Daddy” in that sweet voice. It sent me over the edge.  More sobbing. Damn! Didn’t make it out of bed today without crying.

Today is my brother’s birthday. I call and wish him happy birthday. Someone should be happy.

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