Day 50- Inspiration

I had an experience last night that will be difficult to describe, but I’m going to try.  I have been working on my meditation practice again for the last few weeks.  I actually read in a couple of places yesterday that we should meditate when we are at are lowest energy level because this helps get the mind out of the way.  

Often at night or early in the morning I will enter a state that isn’t quite awake and isn’t quite dreaming. I was definitely not dreaming when I had this experience last night.  I was fully alert, but very relaxed.  During these times I will often have a thought loop in my head or, much the opposite, these are the times when I have my greatest inspirations.  When I say last night I mean it was actually around 5 o’clock in the morning. It started with me seeing images even in the dark while my eyes were closed. Now it has been suggested to me that this could happen during meditation. So, this wasn’t shocking to me, but it was a little surprising.  I then started having a conversation with someone or something.  Now, was this my subconscious? Was this the “human” part of Brian talking to my higher self or my soul?  Was this me talking to God, and was God talking back?  I don’t know. I do know I have only felt like I was in this particular state a couple of times before (usually during meditation). I felt like I was talking/asking questions and actually getting answers.  

I have stopped asking why Shayna had to pass so soon.  I think there is an answer but I think I already know it, at least generally.  This was the plan.  This is for the most good for all of us.  As difficult as that was to accept a few weeks ago, it’s where I have landed now. I don’t know the specifics. I don’t expect to ever know them, as long as I am in this body, but I have accepted that fact.  What I’m trying to figure out is how I go on living without Shayna in my life.  I was asking for help to get through this.   I kept hearing “You’ve been getting all the help you need.  You were prepared for this.  You’ve got Ty.  You’ve got Kayla.  You have family and friends (and then specific names came to me). You’ve been getting signs.  Books, podcasts, all of this has been coming to you right when you need it.”  I have been studying Near Death Experiences, and Out of Body Experiences and Past Life Regression and Universalism and other faiths for almost two decades now.  All of this has prepared me to deal with this.  I have little doubt that Shayna has survived and not only survived but is thriving.  I only say I have a little doubt because I have no personal experience with being on the other side. But, I know as much as I can know anything without experiencing it myself that Shayna is OK. Without that knowledge, I would not be able to make it through this.  I said “Well, I can’t go on without Shayna.” and the answer was “Shayna is still with you.  Shayna hasn’t left.”  I fretted about the business and money and how things would go with that if I couldn’t keep working it as hard as I have in the past.  Right now I just can’t keep up the pace.  “You’ve always worried about money.  You’ve always worried about the business.” came the answer “It will be OK.  You’re well prepared.  Relax.  Everything will be fine.”   This conversation went on for about 30 minutes. I kept asking questions and getting answers.  Finally, I said “OK. Enough. I’ve got it.  It’s all going to be OK. I’m ready to go to sleep now.“  But, it went on for a while longer in this same general tone.  Me asking questions, putting up objections and getting reassurances that all is as it should be and all would be OK and that I was prepared and am equipped to deal with this.

This was like an oasis in the middle of the desert. It doesn’t mean the journey is over. It doesn’t mean I’ve arrived anywhere, but it was a nice rest stop along the way and hopefully a memory I can draw from when the rough times come again which I expect will be any hour now.