As I’m dreaming tonight, I have a dream in which Shayna is back. She’s 8 years old this time. I know she is 8 because in the dream, she is playing school with a group of kids. When it’s Shayna’s turn to be the teacher, she goes up to the board and announces “This is an eight year old level math problem.” I tease her and say “You could do a 10 year old math problem.” She looks at me in her Shayna way and says “I know I could do it, but this one is for these eight year olds.”
As I’m watching Shayna, I am filled with pride and love just like I was when she was in the world. She’s beautiful. The same sparkle is in her eye. She has the same quick wit that could cut you like a knife, but the compassion to build people up. She has the same sense of humor. Then, I realize in my dream that Kayla is “gone”. I don’t think this means she is dead, but she’s not living with us. I am grateful to still have Shayna. I hug her close to me, give her a kiss and tell her that I am so glad that at least I still have her around. Then, it hits me that this is only a dream. It’s not real. I am devastated. I have lost both girls. I know that any moment Shayna will disappear and I’ll be without either of them. I wake up crying.
Adjusting to being an empty nester is not easy. We had the girls late in life, so we are relatively old. But, since we had them late, the plan was to have them here until I was pushing 60. Kayla no longer lives here. She calls her apartment in Toledo her home now. She plans to stay there next summer. She has only come home occasionally this year. Her Christmas break is coming up next week. So that’s been on my mind. But, the few weeks she’ll be off will fly by and she’ll be back at school again. I miss both of the girls more than I can express.
In an afterlife group I am in on Facebook, we have been discussing the purpose of incarnation. Some say we come here to experience separation, the separation we cannot experience in spirit. I guess that makes some sense. I can recall being a small child lying in my bed around the age of 4 or 5. It’s one of my earliest memories. It’s when I I become consciously aware that I would not always be with my parents and it terrified me. I have never done well with separation.
They say that when we sleep we astral travel and we meet with our loved ones in spirit and our guides. Maybe that’s why I cherish sleep so much now. One good thing is I fall asleep easily and I sleep well. It’s the mornings that are tough when I have to say goodbye and come back here to the “real” world for another day. I’m so looking forward to the days of no more goodbyes.