Day 519- Rip Current

The movie Collateral Beauty was released last week. It’s about a father whose daughter has passed and him dealing with life without her.  Just a couple of weeks ago, the trailer for The Shack was made public. The Shack will be out in the Spring.  I am going to see both as soon as I can.

We were talking with friends a couple of days ago. Their daughter also transitioned as a teenager. They were saying that they are not ready to see Collateral Beauty yet. I guess the triggers are still too present and painful.  It’ll be 18 months on December 24th, Christmas Eve. People say it gets easier with time. That has not been my experience. I was told I would get used to it. That’s more like it.  It’s not easier, it’s just the new normal. I used to cry every single day.  It’s much less often now.  It seems my tolerance for the pain has increased, not that the pain has decreased. The tears come when the pain is too much for my body to contain anymore. Crying is a release, a safety valve.  With the increased capacity, the tears don’t come as often.  There’s an old song “All Cried Out”. My experience is there is no end to the tears.  It’s an inexhaustible supply.  All Cried Out is not a thing.

Will I cry when I see Collateral Beauty?  I don’t know. Probably. Maybe. I’m not really concerned about it.  I don’t even try to avoid the triggers. I just take them as they come and deal with them.  I let the emotions flow through me, coming and going.  I think this is a good thing. The day after Shayna passed, I had a strong feeling that I needed to start this blog. I wasn’t sure whether it was for me or for others. I didn’t know if anyone else would even care, but I knew that I had to start writing. I think that allowing myself to feel all of it so deeply has been beneficial for me. I realize that I come across as emotionally unstable.  That’s because I am.  And, that is as it should be when one has experienced what I have experienced. To not be rocked the the core would be to not be fully human.  Fighting that, I think would be like fighting the tide.  It’s a losing battle.  When you’re caught in a rip current, a current that is taking you away from shore, you don’t swim against the current.  You will only exhaust yourself.  You swim parallel to the current, allowing it to continue to pull you away from shore, until you escape out of the side of the current and can resume your swim to shore.  Going with the flow, processing it all, feeling it all, letting it pass through me is the only way I know of to fight this rip current.

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