This morning I posted a snapshot of an exchange on a message board where one guy asks about the caterpillar in the cocoon and the other guy explains the caterpillar basically becomes caterpillar soup inside the cocoon. Apparently the little guy digests himself and then reassembles into a butterfly from the soup and a few parts he carries with him through his caterpillar stage. That’s me right now. I feel like I’ve got a couple of parts and the rest of me is just goo. My identity as the father of two girls is gone (I still have one). Starting in two days, Ty and I are empty nesters as Kayla returns to college. No more volleyball games or practices. No more picking her up from school. The calendar is empty looking forward. Just a bunch of goo.
Today as I’m getting dressed, I look down and see a t-shirt some of Shayna’s friends so kindly had made. It’s in her favorite color, says Queen Shayna, even has a penguin on it. It’s perfect. I think about wearing it today, but as I look at it, I just can’t. It brings on another griefburst. I go into my closet and fall to my knees. I cry uncontrollably. Falling to my knees isn’t enough. I curl up into the fetal position of my Weeping Buddha. Wow. I was feeling pretty decent this morning on the walk. I listened to another uplifting Podcast. But, this is how it comes. Just out of the blue, the realization that while almost everything in the world is the same as it was 06/23/15, one thing, one VERY BIG thing is totally different and will never be the same.
My friends have been counseling me on attachments and identity and how I should try to let go of the unhealthy attachment I have with Shayna and I should find my identity elsewhere. One friend tells me I need to take more Brian time. Yes, I spent all of the time with my family that I could and I don’t regret a moment of it. I got out to play golf a little. I might go to a Reds game, but given the choice between hanging out with buddies and hanging out with my girls, I chose my girls every time and I don’t regret a moment of it. There will be plenty of Brian time now, but I’m not looking forward to it from this goo-stage anyway. Maybe I’ll be a butterfly one day. We’ll see.
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