I’m going to change the numbering convention of my posts. My intent when I started was to write a post a day. I had a lot to say back then- over a year and a half ago. I numbered each post the next successive day because that’s how often I was writing. I felt inspired to write something every day, sometimes multiple times a day. The inspiration is not coming as often now and I find myself stretching to find something to put down. I just calculated the actual days and it’s been 602. I’ve written most days, but not every day. So, today I’m doing a reset and I will post the actual days it’s been. Today is day 602.
I don’t even know why I started writing this. Was it for me? Was it for Shayna, to commemorate her? Was it for others who had been on this journey or would follow me on this journey? Was it for Kayla? When you sit down to write, the first thing you should know is your audience. 602 days in and I don’t know mine, yet I write anyway.
Yesterday I woke up in despair. Every day I wake up in despair. Despair, desperation, depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness- all of these words flooded through my mind. Every day, multiple times a day I pray two things- I ask for help, which never seems to come, and I ask to go Home. But, I guess help does come because it’s day 602 and I’m still here. I didn’t think I’d be here on day 2. When I ask for help, I want a vision. I want to see Shayna. I want to see one of my guides. I want Jesus to visit me. I just finished re-reading The Shack a few days ago. Mack, got to go spend a weekend with God. Mack got to meet Jesus. Mack got to see Missy, at play in Heaven. Then, The Great Sadness was lifted. Mack was refreshed and renewed and ready to go back to live the rest of his life with his wife and his other kids. My prayers don’t get answered like that. I get Podcasts and books. I get sermons. I get Unity church. I get people coming into my life to invite me to go for walks. I get Tywana and Kayla inspiring me to keep going.
I also pray to go Home, but I know I don’t really mean that prayer. Not now. I know there is work for me to do here yet. I guess what I’m really looking for is the fast forward button. The mundane, humdrum of life doesn’t interest me anymore. The daily grind to make my daily bread, the uncertainty of this world were challenges that I suppose I thought would be cool when this mission was in the planning stages. I’m ready to be rid of it now.
In less than a week, Tywana and I head to Florida for a conference on re-centering your life. The conference is being led by Mark Pitstick, one of the board members of Helping Parents Heal and Suzanne Giesseman, a world famous medium. I keep referring to it as an afterlife conference because of the way I know Mark and Suzanne. But, it’s titled Back To Your Center and is billed as being for people who are dealing with:
- The Death of a Loved One
- Relationship Changes
- Illness or Disability
- Lack of Purpose
- Broken Dreams
- Financial Loss
- A Loved One with Addictions or Other Difficult Issues
I’m trying to go into the conference with an open mind. I don’t expect any miracles. A reset on life would be nice. I have a difficult time seeing myself as re-centered in this lifetime.
While I had all of those negative thoughts/emotions running through my head when I woke up yesterday, paradoxically, this song from Unity was also stuck in my head “I am free. I am unlimited. There are no chains that bind me. I am free. I am unlimited. Right now.” And this quote also came to mind. “All will be well in the end. If all is not well, it’s not the end.” . Certainly, all is far from well. So, it’s not the end. I soldier on.