Today we fly to Tampa for the Back To Your Center conference. Travelling has never been my favorite thing. I hated to leave home, hated to fly, hated leaving the people I love. Now that Kayla and Shayna don’t live there anymore and Tywana is with me, leaving the people I love is not an issue. Now that Kayla and Shayna don’t live there, it’s not really home anymore. I’ll miss Stevie and Zoe, but I will see them in a few days. I’m good to go.
The flight is uneventful. I meditate for a good portion of the flight. It’s like I’m not even on the plane. The time flies by. I don’t have the nerves I used to have when flying when I felt it was literally my anxiety keeping the plane in the air. If I let down my guard, the plane would plummet to the Earth. Now, I don’t care so much. Whatever happens happens. I realize that since Shayna passed I have lived between two worlds not fully in either, not wanting to be fully in either. I’m not ready to die, but I’m tired of living. Janis sang “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.” In that sense, anyway I’m more free than ever.
As Tywana and I get ready to go to sleep we listen to a video of Suzanne Giesemann, one of our hosts for the weekend, channeling her guides and offering some advice that feels like she is speaking directly to our situation. She speaks about those suffering from dementia. We are dealing with that. She speaks about parents who have had children transition and how we planned this. I’m looking forward to seeing what the conference brings and how it helps me deal with this living between worlds.