Yesterday I wrote about how I hate the term “moving forward”. Tywana’s group on Facebook is called Moving Forward and they refer to themselves as the MFers. Clever. But the term still rubs me the wrong way. The thing about moving forward that irks me is the image I get (I’m a very visual person) is my child lying there, dead, behind me and me going on without her. That doesn’t work for me. When we attended the Back To Your Center conference with Suzanne Giesemann and Mark Pitstick, I faced a different challenge than most. The weekend was focused on getting us to recognize our higher selves, the spiritual side of us. Suzanne gave a great illustration of a dial with human on one end and spirit on the other end and as we turn the dial, we blend the human and the spiritual sides of ourselves. For most people the challenge is remembering our spirit side and realizing the human side of us is only a temporary manifestation, an illusion if you will.
For me, since Shayna’s passing, it’s just the opposite. I’m ready to chuck the human side of me. I’m focused on spirit. The mundane, laborious tasks of being human don’t interest me. I’m ready to go Home. I’m ready to see Shayna again.
As I woke up this morning I was thinking of that phrase moving forward again. Moving on. What came to me is that life isn’t a journey from point A to point B. Moving forward isn’t moving away from Shayna. Life’s journey is more like a circle. We come from Home and we return to Home. The finish line of the race is at the same point where we started. Everything along the way is fleeting. Clinging to things that are fleeting can only hurt, as it physically hurts when you try to hold onto something and it’s ripped out of your hands. Life is a series of holding lightly, letting go, and grasping something else. When the four of us were together, we were walking down the road of life, holding hands. Shayna broke free and ran ahead, as Shayna is prone to do. Shayna has already reached the finish line. I can’t go to her in the past. She’s not in the past. I can go, and I will go, and I am going, to her in the future. That’s the kind of moving forward I can and must embrace.