Day 624- 30 Seconds

Last night I was in a spiritual development group where someone asked the instructor about this notion of us choosing to undergo unimaginable difficulties here on Earth. Specifically, the question was about why a parent would choose to have a child transition. Or,to put it in common language, why we would choose to lose a child to death.  This is a difficult concept, maybe the most difficult one to grasp- at least for me. But, i’ve been wrestling with it for over 30 years now, so I think I get it- at least sometimes, at some level.

It started when I was dating my ex-wife those many years ago. We were talking about the subject of race. At the time, she thought I was ashamed of being black and that I acted white.  As we discussed this, she was telling me about how she was proud of being black.  “What is there to be proud of?” I asked her, “It’s not like we chose to be black.  Can you imagine sitting up in heaven, looking down on Earth and God gives you the choice,  “You can be black or white.  You can be in the majority, have privilege, have ‘good hair’, never experience feeling less than, or you can choose to suffer.”  Of course, you’d choose being white.”

This was my perspective for many years. Then, one day I woke up and realized I was glad to have been born black.  Looking back over my life, it made sense. I seemed to have more empathy than most white men I knew. I had developed patience.  I didn’t have the sense of entitlement of a lot of white people i knew.  It had not been an easy path. There were many, many times when I wished I didn’t have to go through what I was going through. There were times when I got tired of trying to explain to people what my life was like. But, it was worth it. Now, I wouldn’t trade my experience as a black man in America with someone like say, Donald Trump- no way.

Losing a child (I’m using the common vernacular to make a point.  We never lose anyone), is the worst loss many of us can imagine, particularly those of us who are enduring this.  Why would we choose to do that?  It’s much, much worse than being black.  Believe me, I’ve experienced both. There is no comparison.

Let’s try a thought experiment. You’re living in heaven.  In heaven, there is no pain, no sorrow.  You’ve heard of these things, but you really don’t know what they are because you’ve never experienced them. In heaven, people’s appearance is reflective of the state of their soul, like auras.  Most people’s glows are white or yellow.  Then, there are those people who are filled with compassion and have amazing jade green glows, sparkled with purple for love and pinks for patience.  You can tell at a distance, before they ever open their mouths just how advanced they are spiritually.  Everyone wants to be around them. You want to be around them. You begin asking how they got that way.  How did they become so spiritually advanced?

One of them tells you, “It’s not easy. It’s a painful process.  Once you’re in, you’re going to want out.”  You keep inquiring. They tell you that they were placed in a simulator. This simulator made everything that was happening to them seem very real.  It was so real they completely forgot who they were for the entire time they were in the simulator.  In the simulator, they were undergoing experiences that were both physically and emotionally devastating. They describe things to you you think you grasp, but you really cannot because you haven’t experienced them. But, you try. “Oh.” you think, “that’s horrible. Maybe I better rethink this. How long do I have to stay in that simulator?” 30 seconds they say.  “Wait.  What?  Only 30 seconds. That’s nothing. I can do anything for 30 seconds.”  They explain. “While you’re in the simulator, that 30 seconds will seem like an eternity.  It will seem like years and years.  You will cry.  You will wail.  You will asked to be let out. But, once you are in, you’re in for the duration.” You think “I can endure anything for 30 seconds, especially for such a payoff.”. You ask one more question. “Will I be in any real danger?  Can I be harmed in this simulator?” They answer “No. No real danger. You cannot die. The moment you come out, you’ll remember it was all just a simulation.  But, while you’re in, this knowledge will also be hidden from you.  You may even wish for death.”

So, would you sign up?  Would you endure 30 seconds of the worst torture you can think of for the sake of eternal spiritual development?  I’d be asking “Where do I sign up?”

Confession time. I cheated a bit on the analogy to make it relatable to our human minds.  We get the concept of time.  We cannot get away from it. Physicists tell us it’s not real and doesn’t exist outside of the spacetime continuum we are trapped in. So, in the spirit world I spoke of the phrase 30 seconds has no meaning. They could say 30 seconds or 70 years, either would be just as meaningless to you.  Probably as meaningless as when people tell me there is no time there, its an eternal “now”.  I cannot wrap my head around that. So, having no concept of time, coming here for 70 or 80 or 90 years might just seem like 30 seconds to your Higher Self.  So, your Higher Self signs you up.

This is why people say your human self would never choose this.  You would not.  You know that these decades can seem like forever.  Your human side has forgotten you are only in a simulator. Intellectually, we can be told this all day long and we might even get it sometimes, but we slip back into the simulation so easily because the experience of being here is all we can remember.

What I try to keep in mind is that I can endure anything, for a period of time. It’s been said that if man has the why, he can endure any how. Knowing and believing I chose this for a purpose helps me count down the seconds until the simulator doors open, I’m back in Shayna’s arms and we’re both glowing brightly.

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