Today’s ear worm is “I Need You” by Foreigner. I woke up with this song echoing around in my head. I sit here bleary eyed typing this early in on St. Patrick’s Day. Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up and really, really did not want to get up and face the world, as opposed to my usual merely really not wanting to pull the covers back and leave the warm dark escape from this world that my bed gives me. Every day I pray two conflicting prayers. They are not planned. They are spontaneous utterances that take different forms, and I pray them various times during the day. One is to give me the strength to make it through the day.The other is to take me with you, get me out of here. I leave it up the universe to decide which one is answered. So far, 632 times it’s been the former that’s been answered. So, here I am.
Kayla came home last night. When she’s here, we typically stay up late enjoying every possible minute with her.. So, I didn’t get to bed until 1 AM. I could not get to sleep, which is strange for me. I cannot sleep in no matter what time I go to bed and today’s going to be full of activity getting ready for company coming in tonight.
Tomorrow is the day of the Shamrock Shuffle a charity race in the neighborhood. This will be the second year we’ve done it as a team to raise money for Shayna’s scholarship fund. We have fifty five people racing in Shayna’s name tomorrow. That is an amazing number. Eighteen family members will be here at our house tonight and tomorrow. I think it’s a big deal to Shayna. It’s big enough that she mentioned a walk/run in her name in my medium reading with Alyson Gannon. This was several months before the first one we did in her name. It was before we had even planned it. I had no idea what Alyson was talking about. i thought it was the fact that I was doing so much walking after Shayna passed. After we did the first race, a year ago, it dawned on me what Shayna was talking about. Maybe Shayna is particularly close to me right now. Ironically, feeling waves of grief is often triggered by our loved ones being close. It was amazingly strong yesterday morning. This is a big family event. I seem to be feeling her even more than usual.
I was told by Susanne Wilson that I would be able to connect with Shayna someday. Susanne also told me that Shayna is one of my guides. I’ve been wondering why I can’t connect with my guides the way some people are able to. Maybe it’s because I’m already connected to Shayna and she is my guide. I think the connection is there and that I simply need to believe in it. In fact, that is what Shayna keeps telling me. She’s telling me that she is right here talking to me. I just need to trust it. She has also told me that she has been with me all of my life, including before she was born. I don’t know if that makes any sense or not, but I feel it’s true.
Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, Kayla and Tywana were discussing future plans. Are we going to move to Arizona, Colorado, Florida? Where will Kayla be? Will we fly her to where we are living should she be in grad school in another state? Future plans. Distant future. I still can’t go there. I can barely plan tomorrow. I do feel that a shift is about to happen. I don’t know what it is and I’m too superstitious to hope for too much. Things are lining up though. We’ll see where it goes.
So, where does “I Need You” fit into all of this? I’m not in this alone. I need my guide/guides to make it through this. I’m relying on them to show me the way and to give me the strength to follow the path I must take. Right now I’m tired. I can’t do this on my own.