Day 66- I Want To Die

I know the title of this post may be alarming to some. I thought about dialing it back, but first of all this is my journal and you have to be true to your journal. Second, I made a commitment to keep it real for the sake of anyone reading that this might help.

This is a line from an Evanescence song about suicide. It’s a song that is really anti-suicide as the girl singing it is bleeding out and wondering if she’s done the right thing, can she find forgiveness? The line comes in in a disturbing demonic voice. Sometimes, when I’m in a funk, a line from a song will play on repeat in my head for days or weeks at a time. It’s been “I Don’t Care Anymore” from Phil Collins at times. Now it’s “I Want To Die”- just that line from Tourniquet.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. The weird thing is wasn’t the normal griefburst thing. I think I hardly cried yesterday. I was just in a general funk.  Just done. Just beat. Just tired.  I just don’t want to do this anymore. Today is the same.  I thought about titling the post “Black Friday” since today is Friday.  Now, in case you’re still the least bit concerned about me, this song that keeps coming back to me is ANTI-suicide. I have no intention of hurting myself now or ever.  In spite of the Theme from MASH, suicide is not painless.  Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it only transfers it to someone else. 

“I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
(So much more)I lay dying and I’m pouring
Crimson regret and betrayal”- Evanescence- Tourniquet

I recently wrote that I believe that all things that happen here are for our ultimate good. I still believe that. I believe that I have a mission.  Nico referred to this planet as Top Gun School.  I have no intention of flunking out.  I still have Ty and Kayla to live for.  My friend John reminds me (he was concerned about me) that suicide brings on karma that I don’t want.  Hey, guys I’m not going anywhere before my time. Jesus said that by worrying we could not add one day to our life (assuming we all want to add days).  My desire for what is on the other side will not take one day from my appointed time. That doesn’t mean I can’t have a desire for the mission to be over.

Shayna loved Christmas and birthdays.  From the moment Christmas was over, she was counting the days until the next Christmas.  I’ve been listening and reading a lot of NDEs’ lately. The day I finally cross over seems like Christmas to me. I can’t wait to open that present.  It’s the next big thing to look forward to in my life. At 54 I feel like my best days are behind me.  The excitement of meeting Ty, courting her, the honeymoon, having Kayla and closing our circle with Shayna are in the past. The days of homeschooling, family vacations, watching them do all of their firsts are in the past.  With Shayna I was still “Daddy”.  I’m Dad to Kayla.  The business has been built. It’s been a struggle and remains one.  The house has been remodeled. That’s all done.  The trees I planted when we moved in are dying. The swing set is gone. Yeah. I’m looking forward to going home.

This is not depression.  I have not lost interest in normal activities. I’m not having trouble controlling my thoughts.  I’ve got as good a handle on my thought as I have ever had.  I’m sleeping fine- not too much, not too little. I go to bed around 11 and up between 6:30 and 7:30.  I’m doing everything I need to do here to maintain this body that I really don’t want to be in.  Actually more than ever.  I did my 4.5 miles yesterday morning.  I walk between 6-13 miles a day. I take my meditation.  I meditate at least once a day for 25 minutes.  I’m down to my college weight (intentionally)  I take my medications.  Ty and I even went to a Oneness Blessing last night.  I am so proud of all she has been doing to heal through this. The Oneness Blessing (Deeksha) was her find.  It was good, but I think I’m too deeply wounded for one shot to take.

Maybe this is just a normal phase of grief. They tell me it is, but it’s where I am on Day 65. Ty has a full day on the calendar today, a little pampering of herself, golf with friends and going out with a friend to celebrate her birthday.   Funny, she’s playing more golf than me these days (it’s easy to beat zero).   I’m happy for her.  I don’t have many real life, physical friends.  She does.  I have amazing support from long distance, but it’s as if the depth of my relationships is inversely proportional to the physical distance people are from me.  Today I’ll do some stuff that I need to maintain the 3D, knock our some work.  Then, I’ll have some Brian-time.