The last few days have been particularly tough. As we knew would happen, the calls and visits and cards have slowed down. The meals that people were bringing have stopped. People are returning to their lives. Ty and I are facing our new normal that we did not choose. My friends keep asking “How are you?” I’m tired of telling them the truth. They’re probably tired of hearing it. People want to hear I’m making progress, doing better, hanging in there. The truth is none of that is really true. I’m surviving. Just surviving. Some days, some moments I have a long term view. Some days, some moments I am spiritually minded. Some days, some moments I am thinking about what Shayna has gained and the amazing experiences she is having. But other days, other moments I am thinking about how much I miss her now. Other days, other moments, I am carnally minded. Other days, others moments, I’m thinking about what I lost, not what Shayna has gained. The struggle between the two mindsets is exhausting. I am trying to feed one while starving the other. I am immersing myself in material that feeds one, I take at least an hour and a half every day just for mental health. But, I’m sick of them fighting in my head for space. It’s wearing me out. I just want it to be over. They keep wrestling around in there destroying all the furniture and not letting me have a moment’s peace.
Yesterday, I was on a second walk. I didn’t need the steps to make my daily goal and God knows I don’t need to lose any more weight, but walking is a way of burning off excess energy (anger/frustration). So, I decided to get in a mile and a half while Ty was out with friends. As I walked, I got this message from a girl who knows Shayna.
I meant to message you yesterday when this particular incident occurred but didn’t get the chance to. Shayna was on my heart a lot yesterday, as she always is, and I was wrestling with God with my heartbreak and anger. I had a particularly down day and was really looking for something that would lighten my spirit. As I was cutting the grass Wiz Khalifa’s song “See You Again” came into my head and I began to sing it. Since Shayna’s celebration service I have sort of dubbed it her song and whenever I hear it, it brings me to tears thinking of her. As I sang it a feather fell down at my feet. I looked up to see if I could see the bird it came from and I couldn’t. Maybe this means nothing to you but it really touched me and made me feel Shayna was close by. I just felt on my heart the need to share this with you, in the hopes it lightens your spirit, if only for a second. Thinking and praying for you all often!
It reminded me that Shayna’s passing isn’t just impacting Ty and Kayla and me. It’s not just my family that is dealing with it. People I had no idea would be so moved by it are being moved. I’m trying so hard to see the good in this. I’m glad that other people are getting signs like this though, little things that are helping them make it through. I cannot tell you how many people have sent me pictures of feathers or found a dime when thinking about Shayna. I’m glad for those small comforts.
I replied back to her and told her that we were blessed to have had Shayna in our lives for the time we did and that we will see her again. She replied:
She truly was! I can honestly say she was a truly inspirational piece in my life and even though I was 5 years her senior, I looked up to her for her wisdom and love for life. She’s truly missed and I can’t wait to see her again!
Today I spent the day ripping and sawing and killing honeysuckle in the back yard. Five hours of total mayhem and destruction and sweating with the ultimate man tool- a sawzall. I’m gonna be sore tomorrow, but it was worth it.
So, two months into this new part of my journey. Has there been any progress? I’m not sure. I do know I am tired of the struggle though.