So, today I’m on my walk listening to a Podcast and thinking about my day coming up. As always, Shayna is on my mind also and I’m thinking about how I haven’t cried in a while. Is the grief changing? Do I not miss her as much? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I spot a tiny feather on the ground and I’m taken back to a conversation I had yesterday with a bereaved mother I work with on the SoulPhone. She showed me a collection of feathers she’s gotten from her son. I haven’t seen a feather in a while I think. What’s up with that, Shayna? This feather is really tiny, but a feather is a feather. I continue my walk about 20 minutes later I look over to my right, and I see the biggest feather I have ever seen. It has to be at least eight inches long. OK, Shayna. Good job.
I’m walking slowly today. I wrap up the Podcast and cruise back toward the house. I decide to check Facebook which I never do on a walk. This might be the first time I’ve done that. What pops up is a memory from 7 years ago. It’s Shayna’s “Bugsy video”. She was in the kitchen playing on my laptop and had turned on the special effect that distorts your face. For a few minutes, she just freestyles this comedy routine. I walk by, having no idea what she is doing, and take my laptop back. As I’m shutting it down, she says “Bugsy, shut down by the man.” I would discover it later among a bunch of videos she recorded on my laptop. It’s my all time favorite video of her.
So, now here come the tears I had been wondering about. So much pain. I miss Shayna every day. When I allow myself to think about more days without her, the tears come. When I think about her not being at the house when I finish my walk, the tears come.
Yesterday, I wished for a feather. Today, I saw the biggest one I’ve seen yet. This morning, I wondered where the tears had gone. Then, this video pops up that is guaranteed to bring them back. Good job, Shayna. I don’t know how you pull these things off.
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