The good news is I don’t wake up to some terrifying thought.
The bad news is I didn’t wake up.
I didn’t sleep at all. Yesterday wore me out so much I could not fall asleep. Today will be tough.
I have to finish the arrangements for Shayna Celebration of Life tomorrow. It is not a funeral and we don’t mean this just as some euphemism. But, there is work to be done. The program has to be created. The video has to be finished. The video… I started it on Monday, but it’s so painful to work on. I have to do it. I select the pictures. I select the music from Shayna’s music library, but my brother helps finish it up. He has started the programs. I finish that up. We are sharing the load. Family is good.
I stumble through the day. My family sends me back to bed but I cannot sleep during daylight hours. I call my doctor and get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. A good friend messages me “What can I do for you Brian?” “Nothing Chuck. I’m bone tired, but there is nothing anyone can do. I’m going to get into grief counseling as soon as I can get it scheduled.”. Chucks says “Can I make some calls for you?” He takes that off my plate. Makes the calls, talks to some counselors, sends me an email with his findings and calls to discuss. Friends are good.
Sometime during the day every day I find Ty and Kayla and we together reaffirm our commitment to each other and to coming through this. I’ve never prayed with them, but we are sending affirming thoughts into the universe now.
The pain is almost unbearable, but it is not going to overtake us. We can feel the love, the support, the prayers and the deeds. When it’s too much for us, family and friends are taking over.