Day 70- Waking Up

Some of my friends and family are a little concerned about my health. Well, some are a lot concerned.  The concerned is much appreciated. The concern is because they care about me.

Mentally and physically I think I’m doing OK for where I am in my journey. I have been through a major trauma. If this doesn’t change who I am, that means something is wrong with me. How could I be the same person now I was before June 24th? Would I want to be?  No.  I want to learn.  I want to grow.  I want to change.

I am currently spending a minimum 1-½ to 3 hours a day on mental and physical health. I walk/run for at least an hour a day. During that time I contemplate death. You might find that morbid, but I am contemplating the illusion of death. We do not die. We merely change form. Our physical bodies disappear, but who we truly are does not die. In fact, death is a kind of rebirth. This is essential for me to internalize for the sake of my sanity. If I view death as the end, my life is done. This hour gets my brain chemistry back on track as I am pushing myself pretty hard on the pace. It also plays a key role in the retraining of my mind to look at things from a perspective that is foreign to many, but which I am committed to.

I then do some work. Gotta take care of the family and make some money. I do not eat until usually around 12-1PM. This is called intermittent fasting.   I started doing  this for my health when I found myself about 40 pounds above where I wanted to be, long before Shayna passed. It’s good for general health, weight loss as well as lowering cholesterol. It’s also a spiritual discipline for me.  Not eating for 18 hours a day is a way of training my body and my mind.  Since Shayna’s death, I have lost a few more pounds than my target.  I have been doing a lot of walking/running- burning a lot of calories.  Also, all of the walking and meditation doesn’t leave time for the strength training I was doing. I will also probably have to adjust my diet to add more protein and maybe another meal in that 6 hour window in which I eat. I have lost more weight than I intended, but it is not because I am not eating. I’d like to add strength training back, but I have to find the time.

After I eat and work a bit more, I meditate. I am practicing concentration on the breath- usually 25 minutes a day. I go to my sacred space, light my incense and candle and clear my mind for 25 minutes. After doing the Oneness Blessing last week I will probably do a chakra clearing meditation once a week in lieu of one of these sessions. Meditation allows me to slow my mind, to separate myself from my thoughts and to have a better handle on my emotions.

Then I will usually supplement all of this with a YouTube video or two or three. I have been watching a series called Spirit Science that is helping me reprogram my brain.

So, yeah the Brian you see today is not the Brian you saw last winter. There are 40 pounds less of me. But I suspect when I see my doctor my numbers will all be better than they were. This Brian is working hard to transform his mind. I am not going crazy. I am not suicidal. I am counter cultural. We have been lulled into a false sense of what is real. We have been lulled into a false sense of what is important. Most of us live our lives in denial of ultimate reality. Well, ultimate reality paid me a wake up call and I am paying attention now. It’s time for me to wake up.

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