Day 701- Never Surrender

As I wake up this morning, I’m thinking about the term acceptance.  As an amateur Buddhist, I know that acceptance is one of the keys to freeing ourselves from suffering.  I know this, but acceptance of some things feels like surrender.  Then, Corey Hart starts playing in my head. Never Surrender.  Never give up.  Never.

I’ve noticed an acceptance of what is coming over me lately.  It’s not that I wanted acceptance.  I’ve actively fought against it. With that acceptance has come some peace.  But, even that peace is troubling. Am I surrendering?  Is acceptance of Shayna’s passing surrendering? Is coming to peace with what is giving up on her?  I’ll never give up on Shayna. Not a day goes by without me thinking about her. Hardly an hour goes by without me thinking about her. Surrender isn’t in my vocabulary.

I’ve confused acceptance with surrender.  And that leads to suffering.  Accepting what is is necessary to plot the course forward.  Not accepting what is doesn’t change what is.  I accept my current situation, but I quickly remind myself this situation is not permanent. I accept it, but I won’t stay in it.  The way out is not backwards, not to the halcyon days of the four of us living in this house, taking vacations, and enjoying blissful times. The way is forward through uncharted, frightening territory that holds a series of hidden obstacles. But, at the death of every darkness there’s a morning.  (thanks Rag N Bone Man for maybe my all time favorite single line from a song).

So if you’re lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won’t lead you home
You can never surrender
And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no one can take away your right
To fight and never surrender