Day 722- Suicide

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

That game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

There’s that word again. Suicide. Taking one’s own life.  For many of us parents it’s the way our children crossed into the next world.  For even more of us, it’s something that we have considered for ourselves at one time or another.  When we found Shayna unresponsive in her bed, a healthy 15 year old girl, I had to wonder, had she taken her own life?  Until the coroner’s report came back weeks later, I wasn’t sure.  So, for a time, I have lived with at least wondering about that.

As a parent whose child has gone back Home before him, I have contemplated suicide myself. I think it’s a natural thing, even though we aren’t supposed to talk about it. How many of us wouldn’t do literally anything for our children?  We would die for them. We would kill for them.  It’s a natural progression to say we would kill ourselves and die to be with them again.

We can’t discuss this among “normal” people. But, it’s just us here.  So, let’s talk.   It’s just us parents left in a world without the most precious thing we’ve ever known. A world where all the color has been sucked out of it and we’re left with black and white. We are stuck here because others need us.  Our other kids need us.  Our spouses need us.  Our aging parents need us.  So here we are going through the motions every day to make others happy while we secretly long for it just to be over and to have that moment of reunion where we know we’ll never have to say goodbye again.

Suicide is taboo in our society. No matter what, life is of paramount importance. No matter how you are suffering, how hopeless things appear, you’re just supposed to “hang in there”.  For some, most I would guess, suicide is an end, a blessed reprieve, just going into blackness.  It’s like turning off a light switch. My guess is for most, that suicide is simply a way to end their pain. They don’t think about what’s on the other side of it. It’s just “I won’t hurt anymore.”   But, we know that’s not true. Suicide is not the end. You do not die. You cannot die.  That is the good and the bad news.

For us parents though, suicide is not just an end to the pain. And we want the pain to end. It’s the promise of a reunion with our kids. It can be tempting. Very tempting.

Religion has tried to scare us into thinking suicide is the ultimate unforgivable sin.  If you kill yourself, you’ll have no chance to repent. Your last act will be the murder of yourself, therefore God will have no choice but to send you to eternal fiery hell.  But, we know better. There is no eternal fiery hell. More importantly, there is no god who would do such a monstrous thing.  So, is suicide a way to go into bliss?  A shortcut to getting to where we want to be?  Maybe not.

Some mediums tell us that if you commit suicide you end up in a hellish state.  (Chico Xavier made this famous is his book turned into movie Nossa Lar- The Astral City).  Even unintentional suicides end up in this hellish place, according to him. Once they get out of the hell place, they go to a hospital setting.  It’s a long hard road to recovery.  I believe that this is still some religious holdover on his part. Susanne Wilson tells us you might not be with your loved ones right away because you’ll be in recovery for a period of time.  That rings true with me.

There is a problem with the rosy view of an afterlife of pure bliss, as explored in the film, The Discovery, which (sadly) focused almost exclusively on the downside of proof of an afterlife.  Since this life is so hard, if the next life is pure bliss and I can get that pure bliss simply by ending this life, why hang on here? It’s a great question and one those of us in the afterlife studies field can’t avoid.

I think the answer is somewhere between a fiery hell and a rosy bliss filled existence for those who commit suicide. I don’t think suicide is the ultimate sin. But, when we contemplate such a thing, we have to remember we are not solo beings. We all have people who love us and care for us.  Suicide might not hurt us, but it damn sure it going to hurt them. They will be left wondering what they could have done differently. They will wonder how they missed the signs. They will miss your presence.  They will be changed for the rest of their time here.   The hell of losing a child early is that there is no easy way out. I think those who commit suicide when they go through their life review and when they observe their loved ones after their passing will have to account to themselves (and themselves only) for their actions. That will probably require recovery. That may require working with those they left behind making atonement.  The problems of this world aren’t immediately resolved when we cross over. We are essentially the same people.  Sorry. There are no short cuts.

My plan is to stick it out here.  Since I am here, there must be some purpose for me being here. I was talking to a grieving mother yesterday whose son transitioned just 8 months ago.  She says she thinks she’s already fulfilled her purpose and she’s ready to go.  I remember saying the same thing myself just a few months ago. And, I’m sure before it’s all over, I’ll say it again.  It will be two years in 9 days and every single day is hard.    Every night when I lay my head on the pillow I  rejoice that it’s one day closer, one day less I have to deal with the troubles of this world. But, I wake up every morning saying (in my Phineas and Ferb voice- Shayna and I loved that show) “What do  you want to do today?”  I listen for my guides (and Shayna) to give me direction. Then, I get out of bed and I do it.

If you’re here (and if you’re reading this you are here), you’re still here for a reason.  It’s often not easy to find the strength to keep moving forward, but we can only go in one direction. Forward. If there is anything I can to do help you along the way, let me know. We’ll all get there, together. And it’ll be worth every second of it. I’m sure of that.