Day 727- Father’s Day

I made it through another Father’s Day.  I never imagine that holidays would one day become something to endure rather than to look forward to. Father’s Day has always been a bit awkward for me anyway as I don’t feel comfortable being celebrated for doing what I feel like I was put here to do, be a father.  The girls would always ask me what I wanted for Father’s Day.  And my answer was always sincere and the same- whatever you want to give me.

Two years ago, Shayna brought me a t-shirt from Florida for Father’s Day which was just three days before she made her transition.  Whenever I think of Father’s Day now, I remember the dinner we had that night having no idea it would be the next to the last dinner we would have together.

Father’s Day now is bittersweet. I really would rather just skip it. I shed a lot of tears yesterday, mostly internal, some external.  In church when they acknowledged the fathers, they talked about missing fathers who have made their transitions. They did a drawing for a basket. All of the fathers were supposed to put their names in.  I skipped it.  What they didn’t talk about was fathers missing their kids who have made their transitions.  It’s not a thought in anyone’s mind.  There’s not even a word for a parent whose child has gone before them.  A woman whose husband has passed is a widow. A child whose parents are gone is an orphan.  A father whose daughter is in spirit is ________?  But, I still have Kayla here and Kayla is home right now. We got to spend a few days, just the two of us while Tywana went to celebrate her sister’s birthday with her.  We always enjoy our times alone together.  Tywana made a great meal for me yesterday. When they would ask me in the past what I wanted to do for Father’s Day, it was always “Just watch the U.S. Open”.  The U.S. Open is supposed to be the toughest test of golf and I was a big Tiger Woods fan.  I planned to take some time this weekend and watch. But, I only watched an hour or so on Friday.  I didn’t watch at all on Saturday.  When I turned it on yesterday, for the final round, none of my favorites were anywhere close to the lead.  In fact in the top 5, there were only two names I recognized.  I watched for a while and turned it off.  Nothing stays the same, even my passion for watching golf. Instead, I did an extra meditation yesterday and got into some reading.

So, I got through it.  And, right on the heels of Father’s Day is always going to be Shayna’s Angel Date.  June 24th.  It’s less than a week away now. Two years.

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