I made it through another Father’s Day. I never imagine that holidays would one day become something to endure rather than to look forward to. Father’s Day has always been a bit awkward for me anyway as I don’t feel comfortable being celebrated for doing what I feel like I was put here to do, be a father. The girls would always ask me what I wanted for Father’s Day. And my answer was always sincere and the same- whatever you want to give me.
Two years ago, Shayna brought me a t-shirt from Florida for Father’s Day which was just three days before she made her transition. Whenever I think of Father’s Day now, I remember the dinner we had that night having no idea it would be the next to the last dinner we would have together.
Father’s Day now is bittersweet. I really would rather just skip it. I shed a lot of tears yesterday, mostly internal, some external. In church when they acknowledged the fathers, they talked about missing fathers who have made their transitions. They did a drawing for a basket. All of the fathers were supposed to put their names in. I skipped it. What they didn’t talk about was fathers missing their kids who have made their transitions. It’s not a thought in anyone’s mind. There’s not even a word for a parent whose child has gone before them. A woman whose husband has passed is a widow. A child whose parents are gone is an orphan. A father whose daughter is in spirit is ________? But, I still have Kayla here and Kayla is home right now. We got to spend a few days, just the two of us while Tywana went to celebrate her sister’s birthday with her. We always enjoy our times alone together. Tywana made a great meal for me yesterday. When they would ask me in the past what I wanted to do for Father’s Day, it was always “Just watch the U.S. Open”. The U.S. Open is supposed to be the toughest test of golf and I was a big Tiger Woods fan. I planned to take some time this weekend and watch. But, I only watched an hour or so on Friday. I didn’t watch at all on Saturday. When I turned it on yesterday, for the final round, none of my favorites were anywhere close to the lead. In fact in the top 5, there were only two names I recognized. I watched for a while and turned it off. Nothing stays the same, even my passion for watching golf. Instead, I did an extra meditation yesterday and got into some reading.
So, I got through it. And, right on the heels of Father’s Day is always going to be Shayna’s Angel Date. June 24th. It’s less than a week away now. Two years.