In spite of my best efforts to renew my mind, keep my body healthy and focus on my blessings, there is this undeniable undertone of anger, frustration, sadness and disappointment. I am sleeping well, but this is spilling over into my dreams. I keep hoping to have a visit from Shayna in my dreams, instead they are full of broken things, me being frustrated and smashing things and sadness. I dream of being crushed. In one dream the floor began slanting and I was swept down underneath something which then proceeded to collapse and crush me. In another dream I got so angry I threw something and destroyed the kitchen table. I dream of household items broken that I can’t fix. Shayna has been in two of my dreams. I rarely dream about family, I mean really rarely. But, in neither case has she been Shayna- only in appearance. Last night I dreamed she was my little sister and I was trying to comfort her after our father had beaten her. I was explaining to my brother what had happened because he wasn’t there at the time. I was speaking to him, but she was communicating with me telepathically. She would not be convinced I was on her side because I had been unable to protect her from our father. I was holding her and trying to convince her, telepathically. It wasn’t until I woke up that I realized the person in my dream was Shayna. In my dream. She was just my little sister.
I’m trying to focus on the big picture where all of this makes sense and where our reunion makes it all worthwhile, but living in this world is just really, really difficult right now.