I finally had a dream about Shayna. Ty, Kayla and I were at the mall and they had gone off to look at something. When I caught up with them, Shayna was with them. I looked at her excited because I knew she was gone, and I said “I love you, baby.” She replied “I love you, Daddy. I will always love you.” I wanted so badly to hug her, but just as put my arms around her I was so excited that I woke myself up.
I wake up exhausted every day. Im not physically exhausted just mentally and spiritually spent. I don’t know what to do next to heal or even to survive. I am cycling through all the emotions of grief, but I realized this morning I will never, in this lifetime come to acceptance. I think it should be termed resignation. It’s defeat. It’s giving in to a reality that simply sucks. Yeah, it’ll be all right “in the end”. Yeah, this is just a temporary experience. But at least it was tolerable before. I have never felt I fit into this world, but I had made a decent place for myself where I felt comfortable and could at least ride it out. That has been snatched away.
Ty and I have been empty nesters for a couple of weeks now. It’s a whole new life. I like my old life.