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Day 797- I Ain’t Missing You

Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I’m still standing here, and you’re miles away
And I’m wonderin’ why you left
And there’s a storm that’s raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin’ about you, and it’s almost driving me wild
And there’s a heart that’s breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all since you’ve been gone away
I ain’t missing you, no matter what I might say- John Waite- “Missing You”

All day, every day I try to convince myself that missing Shayna isn’t as bad as it really is.  I’ll catch myself thinking “She’d be in school right now.”  or “I wonder where she’d be if she were still here.”  After over two years, you might think I’d grow use to her not being around.   Most of the time I can convince myself that it’s not so bad. I can handle this. Step by step, day by day, I can make it; except for those times when the pain is searing white hot and no matter what I tell myself, I want her here, now.  The patience runs out.

I’m taking a course on grief and one of the modules is on the psi effect.  The psi effect is the ability for people to communicate telepathically, to predict the future (precognition), to know what is happening in a remote place, or to impact the outcome of a physical event.  The psi effect is one of the most studied effects in science and has been proven time and time again in various experiments.  The human mind exists outside of the physical brain because people can influence random number generators, tell which card has been dealt from a deck, communicate images from sender to receiver, see what is happening thousands of miles away, etc.  These experiments have been duplicated around the world by various research teams. The thing about the psi effect is even though it is very real, it is very weak. Statistically, it’s undeniable. But, it’s unreliable for most practical use. For example, with a random number generator, it would produce odd and even numbers at a 50:50 ratio.  When a subject tried to influence the machine to generate either odd or even numbers, they could push it to 51:49 which, to a lay person, seems like almost nothing.  However, statistically speaking the odds are in the billions or trillion to one.  Similarly when “guessing” which of four types of cards might be turned over. Random chance would be getting 25% right.  Subjects could get around 33% right.  That means they were wrong nearly 70% of the time. So, to the casual observer psi would be pretty worthless. However, the odds of getting this with random chance were in the millions to one.  Statistically significant is beating odds of 20 to 1.  100 to 1, in random tests is considered to be “proven”.  Our minds can and do pick up on things coming in from outside of our five senses and they can even influence those things- weakly.  That’s why I don’t buy into the we “create our own reality” stuff.  Yes, I can, with my mind, slightly push the odds into my favor. But, I can’t predict the lottery or manifest an Lamborghini in my driveway.

I was listening to a medium being interviewed and he was being asked about why we don’t get more signs and more powerful signs from our loved ones. He was specifically speaking about EVP or ITC (communicating through electronics).  He was saying that for spirit to do anything in this world is nearly impossible. It takes a special skill to be able to lower their vibration to the vibration of our world. Apparently, it’s also uncomfortable and maybe even mentally confusing (like us being in a  stupor and holding our breath as we try to communicate).

Putting together how weak (but statistically significant) the psi effect is for us in this world and reports from the “dead” about how difficult it is to manipulate things in this world, I’m getting a better picture of why most of us cannot see or feel our loved ones once they have crossed over. They typically cannot do big signs like a lot of us demand.

Mediums and psychics can tune into these subtle energies.  People like myself, very left brained people who need to have physical sensations, completely miss these energies. When someone tries to describe them, it’s almost like trying to describe the color orange to a person who was born blind.

I keep hearing we all have the ability to tune into these energies. But, I think most of us have forgotten.  And, the physical can easily overwhelm it.  It’s like trying to see the stars during the day.  We think the stars are “gone” when we look into the noon day sky. The stars are there, we just cannot see their subtle light because the light of the sun is flooding our eyes.  Our bodies are designed to pick up on the energies of this world, even though we only see far less than 1% of what is actually going on. Through meditation and other techniques, we have the hope of being able to switch our focus to pick up on these energies.  Mediums and psychics have figured out how to do this.  This is what I’ve been working on, but I suck at it.  Facilitated After Death Communications have been a bust for me.

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, a feeling came over me. I cannot describe it because it was not physical.  I just felt like Shayna was right there.  I didn’t see anything, hear anything, or feel anything in my body.  It was that “feeling” you get when someone walks into a room you’re in, but you’re not facing the person.  You just know someone is there.

As I laid there in bed, all at once I missed Shayna tremendously.  I could see her face, hear her voice, and I was taken back to the day that I last saw her physical presence.  I wasn’t able to shake it off like I normally do, telling myself I will see her soon. I felt her presence right there in the room with me and, on some level, it was comforting, on another level, it brought tremendous pain.  I felt trapped in my body, trapped in this world.  I just wanted to go be with her.  This lasted for two or three minutes, and it slowly faded away and everything was back to “normal”.

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