Day 80- Memorializing Shayna

We have the best friends anyone could ask for.  After Shayna’s passing her friends and our friends and even some new friends have set out to find ways to memorialize her, everything from putting up ribbons around the neighborhood (which are still up almost three months later) to a scholarship fund in her name and everything in between. This evening we meet with Lisa, Chuck and Deb to work on a fundraiser for the scholarship fund that Lisa is heading up.  It’s good to know the impact Shayna’s life here has made on people and to see the efforts they are willing to put forth to honor and remember her.

I have to admit though I almost pass on the meeting. It’s so hard to “memorialize” someone you don’t want to let go of. To memorialize her, to honor her memory, is just another reminder that she is not here anymore and memory is all I have. Today is a rough day.  I’d still rather be there with her than here. I recently closed a big deal I’ve been working on off and on for nearly three years.  It’s a deal that has the potential to transform our company, but it’s so hard to find the energy to keep pressing forward on it. I should be excited about it, but nothing excites me now except the thought of the day of not having to deal with the in between situation I find myself in now.  Being in two worlds at the same time is exhausting.  

Working on the memorial turns out to be good though. There are a lot of great ideas and it’s good to know that it’s not just Ty and I who want to keep Shayna’s memory as close to us as we can for a long as we can.

I go to sleep and I have a long and complicated dream. As usual, it’s a dream about traveling or moving, a common theme in my dreams for all of my adult life. As I’m pulling up to a house I’m supposed to meet someone at, I see Shayna walking across the street going into the house. It’s Shayna from a year or two ago, before she cut her hair. She is wearing her glasses. I think “That can’t be Shayna.  I guess this must be a dream.”  I’m excited to see Shayna but disappointed to know it’s only a dream. And, as before when I saw Shayna in a dream, in my excitement to get out of my car and over to her, I wake myself up. Damn!