Day 84- Find Reasons, Not Excuses

Today is Monday and Mondays are (particularly) difficult as it’s back to the reality of the work week time. Kayla was home for the weekend and we dropped her off yesterday. 

I get a pleasant surprise today, my Facebook friend Rich calls and says he’s coming to Cincinnati this afternoon. Rich is a guy I’ve known on Facebook for a while now, but we have only met once face-to-face when he flew in from Atlanta for Shayna’s service.  I had no idea he was coming.  He walked up and introduced himself to me. We could only talk for a couple of minutes because there were literally hundreds of people there I had to greet. Rich didn’t intrude at all, just wanted to be there to support me.  He will never know how much of an impact that gesture made on me.  Today he is in Ohio for a series of meetings, but he drives hours out of his way just to sit down with me face-to-face.  He gives me a pep talk because he’s pissed that I blogged that my best days are behind me.   Rich is here to kick my butt and get me into gear. The fact that he would take the time to drive here to do this is amazing to me. I explain to him that’s how I feel right now and how I feel sometimes because I know he can understand. Rich is just like me. Rich is successful, for his family. Rich lives, for his family. Rich would do anything for his two kids and his wife. Rich feels that his family is what he was put here to do. We are builders. We are fixers. We are protectors.  That’s our identity. I explain to Rich that my friend Deb has identified me as a probable 9 on the enneagram chart. That means I merge with people.  I don’t see Ty and Kayla and Shayna as separate people, we are a unit.  Not having Shayna here physically anymore, for me, is something only someone with my personality type can truly understand.  Rich encourages me that I will find purpose in life again. I will find joy again.  Yeah, maybe Rich. But, for right now, for today, it’s just survival mode.  It’s just fake it till you make it.  I’ll try to do things to help other people.  I’ll work to fill whatever purpose I have left, but wow; it’s not easy and there’s no joy in the work at the moment.

Never let it be said that social media is just a waste of time.  Sure, it can be, but I have made genuine friends on Facebook (and before that other media). Some of whom have been friends for years and I’ve never met and some, like Rich, who I have met once or twice now.  

As I’m lying in bed I’m going in and out of these different states of consciousness like I’m prone to do now. I have a pleasant dream about Shayna.  It’s the fifth grade or so version of Shayna. She’s little and slightly pudgy like she was before her growth spurt.  When I see her I know she is supposed to be dead and gone, but I am SO overjoyed that she’s here in my dream. I give her a big hug which feels wonderful.  Ahh… finally.  I wouldn’t call it a visit from Shayna. It was just a dream. The memory faded fast. I can only remember bits of it, but it was nice.  Then around 3 AM which is when I so often hit that stage of deep relaxation, but I’m fully conscious, the words come to me “Find reasons, not excuses.”  Just that sentence. It plays over and over in my head.  I think it means to find reasons to continue to go on, not excuses for not going on.  It keeps playing in my head until I acknowledge it, then I’m back to sleepy land for a while longer.  

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