Day 86- Dark Night Of The Soul


Today I have just had it. It’s tax time. I’ve put it off for a long as possible. Last year’s taxes have to be done now, nine months later. I have not been able to bring myself to face the numbers. These last several years with the business have been incredibly stressful. No matter what I do, I cannot get it to grow. New products, consultants, advertising companies, PR companies, SEO companies, new web design, social media companies. Everyone over promises and under delivers. They don’t even return phone calls. They all just suck. Then Shayna started having health problems about five years ago. Arthritis, injuries, the heart thing. I thought if I could just make it a few more years the business had generated enough wealth that Ty could take it over and the insurance money and our savings would be enough to sustain her and the girls’ college was paid for. I saw the finish line and I was ready.

I thought Shayna had made it out of the woods. She had paid her dues. Shayna’s arthritis had been in remission for years. No flares. No damage. Her heart condition was considered a mere nuisance. I held out hope that one day there would be a cure for her RA. And the heart thing, well it was nothing. Shayna would be good.

Before we go to bed, Ty mentions she still isn’t used to the house without Shayna. I know just what she means. My first thought is its like TV in black and white after you’ve gotten used to color. Or “gray” TV as Shayna called it. It’s more like color TV where one of the guns isn’t firing and there is no red. The colors are there, they’re just off. Black and white is at least balanced.

Tonight I just lie tossing and turning. I don’t know what to do next. I feel like the opposite of King Midas. Everything he touched turned to gold. What is the opposite of that? Everything I touch turns to shit. I’m so tired of even trying and I don’t know what to try next. It feels like running on a treadmill. I have to live now for Ty and Kayla. I don’t know what will become of this business long term. I’m 54 years old and haven’t done anything else in more than a decade. I don’t even know what else I would do. I can’t imagine decades of living without Shayna always imagining her 15 year old self, but I can’t leave Ty and Kayla either.

I finally fall asleep and I dream about Shayna. She is her 15 year old self and she is lying on the bed listening to music in her iPhone as I watch TV. Something comes on the TV that interests her and she pops up, excited the way she always was talking 100 MPH. I remember she is dead and I am excited to see her. I reach out to grab her and squeeze her and I wake up again. I think I know why Kayla is getting visits from Shayna and I am not. I don’t think I can handle them right now.

From meditation I’ve learned to direct my thoughts. So I take them off of my pity party and decide to think about anything else so I can get some rest. It works and I’m able to get to sleep, the only place of relief right now. Tomorrow, I’ve got to finish the taxes and try one or ten more things to turn the business around. I’m going to need this rest.

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