Today starts at o’dark thirty. We are leaving to fly to Colorado to visit my good friend Kevin. Kevin and I met when we worked at a series of companies together. We have shared many late night deep philosophical conversations at various conferences and training sessions. We have never lived in the same city, but we have developed a bond that I really can’t describe. Kevin has been a lifeline through these last three months. Kevin moved from Ohio to Colorado about four years ago and has been trying to get me to visit ever since, but my vacations have been with the girls, to the beach or to Shayna’s tournaments. I hate to travel, detest flying so I’ve always begged off. Now with Kayla at UT and Shayna no longer here I am out of excuses and we are going. People keep asking me if I’m excited about the trip. Well, yes and no. Excited about seeing Kevin and Julie, but dreading traveling.
Ty and I rise at 3:45 to make a 6:20 flight out of Dayton. We fly through Dallas and arrive in Denver around noon, thanks to a two hour time change in our favor. Parker, CO is beautiful and Kevin, his wife Julie and his boys are welcoming hosts. But, I am exhausted. I normally have a high level of energy regardless of lack of sleep, travel, whatever. Not today. I develop a headache that just will not go away and it’s all I can do to keep sitting upright through dinner at 6PM.
A weird side effect of not having Shayna back at home is my fear of flying is gone. Before I would have worried about the plane crashing or having some sudden death event while I was away. Plane crash? Bring it on. My panic attacks I used to have when I was away from the girls and away from my safe place, home, are gone. People who suffer from panic attacks often have a safe place or a safe person. Ty is with me. Kayla is at college. There is no one waiting for me to come home. One of the reasons I have hated travel so much is leaving Ty and/or the girls. The vacations we had where we were all together I have been relaxed. Now I kind of feel the same way-relaxed but no matter what I’m doing there is the thought of Shayna right there waiting to manifest.
I make it as long as I can which is about 9 o’clock mountain time (11 back home) and I have to turn in. I make my apologies to my hosts and head to bed for some relief. Sleep comes easily. We will start again tomorrow.