Isabella Johnson is an incredible medium and human being with a healing heart. Isabella sees people in spirit as clearly, if not more clearly than she does those of us in the body.
Isabella is a shining light mother who has experienced the passing of a daughter. She has also had a near-death experience. So, when Isabella speaks about the tragic passing of a dear loved one or about how life goes on after our bodies stop functioning, it’s not just speculation.
One of the questions Isabella and I get most often is “What do they do all day over there?” In this episode, we give our thoughts on this question that baffles a lot of us.
You can reach Isabella at: https://thesoulreadingmedium.com/
Brian Smith 0:00
Close your eyes and imagine.
What if ahe things in life that causes the greatest pain, the things that bring us grief, or challenges, challenges designed to help us grow to ultimately become what we were always meant to be. We feel like we’ve been buried, but what if, like a seed we’ve been planted and having been planted, to grow to become a mighty tree. Now, open your eyes, open your eyes to this way of viewing life. Come with me as we explore your true, infinite, eternal nature. This is grief to growth. And I am your host, Brian Smith.
Hey everybody, this is Brian Smith back with another episode of grief to growth and I’ve got with me today for the second time, my friend Isabella Johnson, and a lot of people already know there’s a better way but I’m going to read a short introduction and we’re going to have a conversation ever Isabella as evidential certified medium. She’s a medical intuitive. She’s a grief recovery specialist and she’s remote viewer. Isabella has committed her life to providing healing and comfort to the bereaved. Isabel allows yourself to be a pure channel for those in spirit wishing to have a continuing conversation or closure with the loved ones still in the physical. And as a medical intuitive she can locate areas in the body where past or current trauma now manifest as illness and or disease and help release the symptoms. She’s able Isabel is able to see the soul the highest point in our physical body, and she reminds her clients ever true souls purpose in this life. She brings compassion empathy to every reading her approaches very Matter of fact and non judgmental. And as about as a federal Angel, Mom, Isabella’s daughter passed on to spirit. And so her and her ability to reconnect parents with the children, other loved ones in spirit provides comfort, healing and hope. Isabelle is also a spiritualist, and she firmly believes that each of our souls survived the transition, that we know his death, and that we will reunite again and endeavors bring evidence to those that does those in spirit are always with us. So with that, I want to welcome Isabella Johnson. Isabel, I really appreciate you being here today.
Thank you so much for having me, Brian. Thank you.
Brian Smith 2:12
It’s it’s real honor to have you, you are an incredible medium, you’re incredibly compassionate person. I know, you’ve helped so many parents on this journey. You and I both have, you know, children and spirits. So we’ve got we know what that’s like. Because I deal with so many parents, and this is not just for parents, but I want to talk a lot about parents because a lot of times with parents we have kind of specials I think things with with our twin our kids transition, are they Okay, you know, will they grow up? You know, will I see them again, while I while they recognize me those types of questions. So the reason I asked you here today is because I get so many people that just don’t have a really good handle what the spirit world is like, it’s just kind of it’s nebulous. It’s kind of like, you know, are they in the clouds? What are they doing all day? And so I want to explore that with you today. I know, it’s a big question. But let’s start with what is it like?
Okay, that’s the number one question that I think everybody asked is, what do they do all day? What is it like and, and everybody has a slightly different experience with a lot of commonalities. Um, for me, I do not think I’ll call it heaven. That’s a word everybody’s very familiar with. It’s not a faraway place in the sky in the clouds to me when I’m out. This, hopefully, we’ll get back to normal with COVID very soon. But when I’m typically out in the world, walking around, and I’m seeing living people coming toward me, you’ve got three, four or five people in spirit all around you. So I do not believe that the afterlife is this faraway place, it appears to just be another plane or dimension very, they’re very close to our own. Yeah,
Brian Smith 3:47
yeah. So and that’s another thing people may not know about you. You actually see people in spirit
I do I do. I see them outside of myself. They look like you. And I, to me, actually, I think they look more a lot more real to me. Living people, I see an aura around them. So it’s a lot of colors. But with people in spirit, I mean, fine details of what they look like they are able to hold that shape while I’m speaking with them. Okay,
Brian Smith 4:11
so what people do pass in the spirit, and we’ve heard things like, Okay, I’m just there. I’m a ball of light, or I don’t have a body. You know, are those things true? Or? How’s that?
Well, I cannot speak across the board for every experience. That’s something I’m just not comfortable doing. But again, when I’m doing a reading when I’m with a client, and oftentimes now everything’s on zoom, or Skype or FaceTime. I will see the loved one coming toward me and they literally I can do every physical description of what they look like how tall they are, wait, in addition to me seeing them sometimes they’ll tell tell me to say something like oh tell them we’ve lost weight or gain weight or this part of my body is no longer injured or hurting or disease. But I think that for the most part, we do kind of maintain a physical characteristic expression. And the times when I’m working, or it does also seem to be very relevant, relevant when they’re getting when, when someone in the physical is getting ready to transition, everyone in spirit seems to know that plus minus about two weeks. So they informed me that they really take back on that strong physical form in that time, just so they’re easily recognizable when we do transition. As far as holding the shape the entire time holding the physical appearance, I do not know that that is something that is done. I can’t speak to that across the board. But it does seem that that is that is something that they’re easy, capable of doing or easy to kind of recreate for us as well, too. But they are. When I had an Indy 13 years ago, I remember seeing my daughter and she looked exactly the same, there was no difference. It was as if no time had passed. So I do think that we maintain that, and certainly no one is lost into a big ball of light than I’ve ever seen. That’s just No, I’ve never had that experience at all, ever.
Brian Smith 6:00
Yeah, well, I think the thing is, we sometimes think, you know, we hear these these kinds of scripts, and we thought we’re gonna miss something, right? So we’re like, I’m going to be missing my body, I’m going to miss the, you know, being able to hug people are writing
in To me, it seems like they merge. So it’s, it’s even a bigger connection. And we would have here in the physical, um, you’ll sometimes I’ll do a different population than children, sometimes when a widow will pass, and they’ll talk about feeling or when they’ll talk about feeling that loved one, and it’s almost as if they pass through us. Um, sometimes people can have some intimate experiences with someone in spirit, a spouse or a partner or something like that. But with children, it’s, it’s like a warm embrace it sometimes they talk about kissing the face or feeling to me, it’s very visual. So I see it, I don’t know what your experience would be with that. But there is no problem at all that I’ve ever encountered, that we would not recognize each other or be able to connect with each other in some really deep, very deep way. So much more so than even we have here in a physical body.
Brian Smith 7:01
Yeah. And do you think because you kind of alluded to this, Can people change their parents when they’re in the spirit world do we do we
know that I know that I’ve encountered I mean, I immediately after we’ve passed, we really do keep a lot of physical characteristics, we have a sense of our higher self or or the part that we came from or who we truly are. But that we don’t seem to change that much. I think I get a lot of personality traits, like who you were things that you liked relationships that seems to come through that never seems to fade away or end, there’s always a big connection, I’m probably shared the story before most of my clients would have heard this, because it’s just one on ones. It’s just most amazing to me, I have a client who lost her daughter almost a decade ago. And I talked to her just about every month and the mom has some traumatic brain injury. And she doesn’t have a lot of memories. So her daughter will come in every month and talk about everything that her mom has done that month, the relevant things. Even small mom spilled her cup of coffee this morning, my mom stubbed her toe, just they seem to be very connected with us very aware of everything that goes on here. And I see her daughter just the same way that her her mom did. So it’s very neat. And sometimes, however, let me correct myself with that the daughter has seemed to age up over the last couple years. So she’ll go now in 14 and look at how tall I am. Or tell her I’m this tall, or I looked this way now. And she does. But sometimes she’s also able to be that little girl that I saw when she first passed. So that’s a tricky one. I can’t answer that completely. But that’s how it has been for me so far. I think I do not have any concern that we would have recognition of our loved one, when we also transition, that is not a concern I’ve ever felt it or or can’t find them or somewhere they’ll be lost to us or that we lose them or that we can bother them in some way. False. absolutely false.
Brian Smith 8:48
Yeah, I think I think parents, again, we’re gonna, I’m going to talk about parents a lot. But this we want to keep it general as much as we can’t. But when we lose a child, my daughter was 15 when she passed, you know, so you know, who knows how long it’ll be before I see her. I don’t, I don’t want to see her at 45 when I die. You know, our people have had a child a baby, you know, that’s nice. And they remember them to say two or three, you know, that might feel like I’m missing something because they’re growing up without me.
Well, they really seem to love my situation. I saw my child exactly as she looked in it had been 15 years. So there was, you know, and that was a concern of mine as well to even the work that I do. Am I going to recognize you? Am I going to know you? And for me, that was just the J comforting, reassuring experiencing her exactly as I have. And I wasn’t Oh, they’re very long, five minutes. So I can’t tell you that that would be my experience forever. But I knew at that moment, I could never ever, ever be separate from her. And that’s something everybody in Spirit had told me but you can’t grasp it until you have that experience yourself. For me. There’s nothing no doubt no fear, no questioning at this point in my life that I know that I will see everyone that I love again, exactly as I knew them here. Now we’re gonna change for over there. But I know that immediate connection that reunion, and that’s exactly what it is, it is the best family reunion you could ever imagine. magnify your best one here ever by a million. And that’s what it is like in spirit.
Brian Smith 10:12
Yeah, and I The reason I wanted to bring that up, because I think sometimes people feel like, what I’m spending time here, I’m missing out, you know, and I’m gonna miss this. And I and I’ve heard I’ve heard again, especially parents expresses, you know, I’m missing out on what’s going on with them. And so that’s a concern I want to address.
Well, sometimes it is true that sometimes we are we continue to grow and have experience in spirit. But as far as missing out, I think that’s really a human fear. It doesn’t seem to translate into spirit, they seem very confused flux. And by that at all, what do they think we’re missing, we’re still here, we could never be separate. So their understanding is vastly different and larger than ours, which is, you know, confined to being in a body, we have our senses here. And if my child wasn’t around me for 15 years, but was still here, I would have those same questions, I think, what are you doing? How are you? What are you now? So I understand it, but that is something that really doesn’t seem to translate to anyone in spirit? They seem very confused by that thought or that question?
Unknown Speaker 11:12
What are you missing? We’re not missing anything? We’re not? Yeah,
Brian Smith 11:16
I think it’s a different perspective from them. Because talking to you and talking to other mediums that are friends of mine. They know what’s going on with us. It’s like they are still very involved in our lives. Has that been your experience?
1,000,000%. And more so because we’re not, you know, ego, ego doesn’t seem to go over there, either super ego is not there. There’s a lot of it that’s there. So it’s the unique part of ourselves. We don’t try to we’re very honest over there. We’re very forthright about our shortcomings and our successes as well, too. And, and they seem to not that they detach from us at all, because that’s impossible, but they do seem to have an understanding that we will get through this somehow, even if we don’t get through it the way that we want. We expected it to look, we do survive it. And they seem to know that. So there’s the big picture that they have over there. So the little concerns of day to day life that we might feel. It’s not been my experience that they share those.
Brian Smith 12:07
Yeah, a different perspective, because they kind of know right, things gonna break right.
To the final exam, they’ve completed that they’re there, they know, oh, this wasn’t exactly what we expected it to be. It’s better, it’s absolutely better for them. But you know, for parents, there’s a lot of ways to connect with the kids. I think I think people that expect to have those regular conversations and have it be exactly the same as it was when when our loved one is here. That might be a slight adjustment that we need to make on that but to continuing the relationship, certainly it’s wanted. It’s it’s, it’s something that’s hoped for. And I don’t think especially as a parent that we can cut that out or or diminish that in any way. There’s always that longing.
Brian Smith 12:49
Yeah, absolutely. And I think you know, and the work that I do with, again, especially parents, but also other people, we want to keep that relationship going. And we have learned that we can, but I think there could be a problem when people think it’s going to be just like it was when they were here, especially right away. So let’s
not right away, it’s very anomalous for it to be that way, you’ll get a lot of good signs, typically sometimes a dream or to you, because there’s excitement, they know where they are, they’re home, there’s no question over there. And I think the one complaint that I have for people in spirit is maybe just the assumption that we should get that as well, too. That’s a real frustration. My people in spirit really Don’t they know I’m okay. I’m like, did you know someone you love was okay, when you were here? Wasn’t there missing in you? And they kind of go, Oh, yeah, it’s a little reminder to them. That’s a part of being in a body. But it does seem to take, you know, I don’t want to go for everybody, because some people immediately start to have those conversations and relationships continue. But for most of us, it’s a couple years sometimes before we can reach that. For me, I didn’t see my child for one year, I couldn’t feel or couldn’t have any experience. But that was my pain. That was me. It wasn’t any problem on her side. It was my brief. That was very large on that. So but it is possible it is encouraged I any way that you feel you best connect with them. do more of that.
Brian Smith 14:10
Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. I guess the thing I was getting to is sometimes I think people look at some of these anomalous things where someone connects right away. And my experience has been even I have friends who are mediums including you who have had loved ones pass and it’s been you know, a year or longer before we were really able to make that connection. So for people like myself, who you know, and people that I work with that they are going to just be able to make this connection right away. And we just like it was
Yeah, for most of us. That’s not the case. It really is not the case. So you might get a few signs and most of us do, you might get the dreams and some of us get those as well too. But it just takes a little bit of time and you’re not doing anything wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not bringing too much that I know a lot of people have a really challenging time in bargaining. You know what it should have coulda, if only what if they do not experience that over there. That That’s not something that they experienced. But that’s that phase, that stage does seem to block us slightly, I don’t want to go, you shouldn’t get rid of it, you shouldn’t try to avoid bargaining because we all do that. But that does seem to be a little fly in the ointment for this, when we can kind of, and it’s hard to get to that place where you are not having those questions, I still have them some days, it’s not gonna outgrow or get rid of, I think, again, that’s just part of being human. But, but that does seem to block us just slightly from having that connection, the ease of it, the ease of it.
Brian Smith 15:34
Well, let’s talk about that. Because we call bargain I use referred to as guilt. And I see a lot of I see a lot of people, not just parents, a lot of people going through guilt, right, I should have done this, I shouldn’t have done this, this, this is my fault. You know, I was my job to take care of them. I wasn’t in the car, I wasn’t a car,
was too strict. I was too lenient, you know, whatever. So that I find also was a block, it’s a block download to that connection was also blocked to dealing with your grief. So one of the things I wanted to ask you is, can we affect someone else’s timeline to being here? Can we cause someone to leave early,
the only time you have any input into that is before you come into a body I all of these are agreements, I think first I know, I do not think I know first breath last breath are decided long before we come into our physical body. So for you and I to have lost a child, there would have been a part of that we would have had to agree to that at some point, as in as well as our own trans transition, what that’s going to look like what that’s going to be and there’s lessons for everybody and all of that. But there is nothing you can do nothing at all that you could do, we’re just not that powerful. Nor am I that we can have that much effect on someone else’s decision choice or option of not being here anymore. Absolutely not. Now, it I think that allows us to be in a victim space, which is okay, because we’ve all been there. We’ve absolutely all been there. But it’s it’s not necessary. And I think it’s harmful and hurtful as well. If you can see that person is autonomous even if it’s our child, you know that we had them were parents to them, but there’s a part of them that’s always separate from us, we cannot control our children every day we’ve all tried to do that is not successful, we can never be successful. And so as autonomous as they are in that aspect are also very autonomous on choosing how and when they want to leave. It’s we need to learn this we need to have these kind of experiences and sometimes they do it for us which is really hard to hear. And really hard to grasp that sometimes the lesson might be for us let’s let’s use Elizabeth as this was a was had she not had lost her son might not have healthy parents you. Right. You know, same for Mark Ireland. Same for you. We’ve we we are given sometimes these opportunities to grow or to shrink, and I wish everyone to grow in grief.
Brian Smith 17:57
Yeah, yeah. It’s through figures. It’s a shifting of perspective. And as parents, it’s really tempting to look at our kids as as our property sometimes definitely as our responsibility.
But they’re always an extension of us. And and when they are not here, it’s if we assume that it’s a failure on our part.
Brian Smith 18:20
Yes, because it was my job to keep them safe. So that’s why I really I want to I want to beat this point to death, because I hear over and over again, with parents and with other people. It was my fault. I shouldn’t I shouldn’t have done this. And and if you tell me that it’s a lesson for me, well, then it’s my fault. Their life got cut short, you know, because I needed this lesson, their life was cut short, which is looking at their life is like it’s only one life and like they’re not living.
Right? Um, yeah, I could not disagree with that anymore, although that’s the space that I’ve been in as well too. So I understand it. But it is not helpful. I think it’s the part that we need to push through work through, but it is never your fault. It is never your responsibility. If the lesson was for you, if the lesson was for your child, it does not matter. It is small picture stuff. It’s what we do with the after. That’s important. If that’s that’s the biggest part of this. And some people need a much longer to handle heal and to deal with the loss. And and there are some few that get it very quickly. That that’s unusual for tabbing. But I think for most of us, it’s a process and we’re not all going to have the same experience. We’re all going to hit some of the same curves and roadblocks as each other but I think our job at surviving This is to help others get through it. And to help others have hope. And and just to find that connection. No, we are more than this loss. Although it’s horrific. It’s cataclysmic. It does not have to define the rest of your life.
Brian Smith 19:44
Right. Well, I think there’s something about being human. I haven’t figured this part out yet that we we tend to go to this beating ourselves up. We were really good at sabotaging ourselves and saying this is my fault and as you said earlier kind of falling into victim mode. which totally blocks are healing. And I can really block our connection. So the sooner we can but but also, I don’t want people to feel guilty about that. That’s just adding. Because it’s part of the process.
It’s it’s a stage of grief, if you look at the stages of grief, guilt bargaining, which the interchangeable here, exactly, it’s something that we all have to go through. And I think it’s part of the longest stages that we go through some, some people say it’s anger a little bit, but some people don’t touch on anger that much. I think it’s the bargaining and the guilt that can really get us stuck. But it is an important imperative part of the healing process. We can’t we should not avoid it. We can avoid, but we should not avoid it.
Brian Smith 20:38
Well, yeah, cuz anything we try to avoid just comes up later, right you can do is try to take the things that we’re saying and look at it from a different perspective, as you alluded to with Elizabeth Poisson.
Right, but let’s be honest, you’re right, it is it is an excruciating spot that we have. Most people are going to watch this, we know what it feels like. It is the heaviest darkest cloud that is over us for a very long time. It doesn’t feel like it’ll ever shift away. So looking at someone like yourself or myself that we’ve kind of survived as we’ve gone through that it’s still painful. There’s still some moments that it’s difficult. But let’s be the example. This is something that you can get through and still have a really good quality of life. I really, I mean, they were been honest with you. I’ve been honest with everybody. There were moments where I didn’t want to live didn’t think I could live didn’t know how to do this, the guilt that I felt the the sense of failure, the sense of loss, the sense of separation, even with the work that I do, I was not immune to these feelings. And I I’m so glad I’m still here today. I’m just so grateful. I’m there’s been so much joy in my life that I know, that we’ve missed out on and I’m glad that I’m still here. Yeah, but I just have to be honest, it was not that easy to be here.
Brian Smith 21:48
And I can echo the exact same thing. There were times that you know, for a long time and you’re still I still have days when it’s not. I haven’t I had a tough time this morning. Okay, I picture Santa come up a couple of days ago and memory come up to Shana beautiful pitch selfie that she taken and I was just like, I really just wanted her to be here.
Brittany’s you know, it’s the emotion that comes down. And that’s okay, that that is okay to have those experiences. But it’s tough. It’s It’s tough. It’s a journey. It’s not a sprint.
Brian Smith 22:20
Yeah, exactly. So the thing is, I guess the thing that we’re both saying to people is, be where you are, where you’re there and don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t feel bad about it. It’s all part of the journey, but always hold on to the hope. Right? You know, things can get better.
Even if you can’t see it right now, it does change. You’re not in the same place. You were the day you heard the news, you’re just not most of us are not, um, you’re not in the same place. You were two months ago, whether it’s better or worse is the one cost in a life has changed. This will change.
Brian Smith 22:50
Yeah, and sometimes people have trouble recognizing that because it’s a it’s a two steps forward one step back thing. And I really noticed that with people it’s like, it’s I think I’m doing okay. And then something comes along. And I feel like I’m right back where I was at the very beginning.
Yeah, I mean, for for moms, or whoever does a lot of the grocery shopping this first couple years brutal to go into a grocery store, you’re having a good day, then you go to the grocery store, you see something that your child or your loved one would have loved. It’s your mess. And I know a lot of people can relate to that. So it is it is it is a journey, it is a constant journey you’re not doing as long as you survived it, you’ve done it, right. Yeah. But the bigger point in that Brian is to let everybody know that our children, our family, our loved ones in spirit, they are a part of this journey with us. They do not abandon us. They’re aware of how we’re doing. They’re, they’re doing well. But they’re also aware of how we’re doing and can I want to interfere in that. They could, they can help where they can, they can help but for some of it is it’s unavoidable to go through some of the pain because it does cause growth, if we allow it to it does allow us to grow it does allow us to be more compassionate, more open. How many of us have lost a child and then thought, oh, like, I know, know what that feels like for others. And it looked at other parents in a completely different way. I mean, I worked with parents before I lost a child and I don’t think I was as compassionate as I am after my experience. Yeah, so what I got out of it, that’s, that’s okay. It was hard to even imagine that at the beginning, like this could be worth anything. But now I see the gifts and the loss.
Brian Smith 24:29
Yeah. So we’ve kind of touched on this, but I wanted to bring it up even more because this is another question I get a lot of times is why would someone plan to come in for a short period of time? Why would someone plan, you know, people transition as infants, or like my daughter, you know, a lot of times it gets us you know, I look at my daughter, I’m like so much potential, you know, just about to graduate from from ninth grade, you know, just just just graduate from my grade, just about start driving a car, you know, all these things that they had planned. We thought They have planned ahead of them. So why would someone plan to cut that short?
Whatever experiences that she wanted to have here, I can assure you she had and whatever lessons and growth whatever good, fun, amazing life goals that she had those can continue on the other side. I can’t answer what everyone would want to leave when they do, but some people just choose to have it. But I mean, there’s a million different reasons. But but I think we again, also put the inflection on the must be missing out in some way, or they didn’t get to accomplish that when nothing could be farther from the truth there. The the opportunities and Spirit are expansive, always expansive, and I don’t want anyone to think their loved one has missed out on anything at all, because that that just could never happen. Even if you believe in God, if you don’t believe in God, God is love that my word I call God love. We are surrounded in that love and that love could not allow anything negative to get on us and wants us to fulfill all of our dreams and goals and do the best that we can be. That’s our experiences favorite.
Brian Smith 26:03
Yeah, I think that that that belief, and we do have as parents we do have. It comes from the fact that we still see it as their life ended. We don’t see this right, like, continue and that. And again, that comes from that lack of a picture of what the other side is like. And I’ve had, I’ve had readings with mediums that said to me that Shannon says she’s driving. Now whether that’s literal or not, I don’t know. But she’s come through and said, I’m driving.
Yeah, I have some I have a client just last week whose child had epilepsy here. So that was not something that they could ever do. And the first thing they show me tell him, I got the keys tell him I got the keys, and they were driving, I’m like, Well, they’ve got the keys, they’re driving and there were shocked. They couldn’t drive here. So you know, we’re not limited and life doesn’t end with our physical death. It really just begins it really honest to God, it really just begins.
Brian Smith 26:53
And that’s what I again, I want to I really want to reinforce that picture because it helps me like Shana, you saw was saying, I wish I could fly. And again, I’ve had people say, first thing Shayna did was she started flying, you know, the other side. And you know, so when we think as we think about the missing out, I want to help people flip that. It’s like No, they’re not, they’re, we’re the ones that are we are we are
we feel bad for us, because they’re having a great time. They’re they’re living their best life, it’s us that again, it’s the physical loss that we miss. It’s the physical ness of the person, you know, it’s hugs, it’s the smell, it’s all of those things, it’s the cause of this little conversations like this. That’s what we grieve, and grief, let’s be honest, it’s a selfish act as it should be. And we are fortunate enough to live in a place and live in a time where we can have, we can experience grief and loss and really deal with it. If we were having this come, we will first of all, we wouldn’t have this conversation 100 years ago, but let’s say we were able to, we would be so worried about basic needs survival, that that would not be something that we could draw out, we have the gift of grief at this time. So that what a gift that is to explore how that person’s life affected us both positively and negatively, and how their transition affects us as well too. But always remember that we cannot be separate, we could never be separate. Just it’s impossible. And we do go on we really do. I don’t know how else to describe. I have an assistant, she’s, I cannot say enough superlatives about her. But I have her because I don’t want to know anything about you. When I’m reading with anybody. I have a first name sometimes an initial sometimes people just go anonymous. That’s how they look. Or they give a fake name. I want this to be authentic, because I have people I love their, this has to be real. Did they show up and start talking about who they were, who our relationships are? And now what they’re doing there? What a gift. What a gift that they actually show up to do that there? How else could that information come about if it wasn’t for them?
Brian Smith 28:46
Yeah. You know, I love what you said about grief, you know, being selfish. And sometimes people cringe at that word. But it really is because, well, I take that back, there’s kind of there’s two, there’s two sides of grief. There’s grieving for ourself, and there’s grieving for a loved one. And so sometimes people grieve that our loved one is missing out. They don’t want they long either exist, or they’re not being able to so that part of grief.
But that’s a very small part of grief if you actually think about it, when we’re so sad that that part is very limited. The part that really affects us most is how the loss affects us. Oh, I no longer have my child here. I no longer can tuck her in. I no longer can do laundry. I know like, you know, that’s it, but it’s okay. And it’s as it should be with that kind of grief. But it is it’s allowing us to be reflecting that that life back on ourselves. And we have very much the same life review as they have in spirit we really do after we lose somebody we can you tell me that you didn’t think of every event that you did with your daughter after she was transitioned, you know, we really kind of look back and go, Oh, I could have done better here. Oh, I did a great job there. As parents. A lot of us don’t say oh rah rah. We did a great job. we’re much more critical of ourselves, but they’re experiencing the same thing. With much more compassion than we give ourselves, that’s the beauty of being in spirit with that life review. When we do it here, it’s hard, it’s but it’s also good to do to kind of review it and go, okay? I have some areas where I wish I would have done better, but it’s also very important to go. I have some really good memories of this person, I have some Prowse, pat me on the back moments too.
We’ll get back to grief to growth in just a few seconds. Did you know that Brian is an author and a life coach. If you’re grieving or know someone who is grieving his book, grief to growth is a best selling easy to read book that might help you or someone you know, people work with Brian as a life coach to break through barriers and live their best lives. You can find out more about Brian and what he offers at WWW dot grief to growth.com www dot g ri e f, the number two gr o w th calm or text growth gr o w t h 231996. If you’d like to support this podcast, visit www.patreon.com slash grief to growth www.patren.com slash g ri e f the number two gr o w th to make a financial contribution. And now back to grief to growth.
Brian Smith 31:23
Yeah, and I love that you said that. And I’ve never heard it put that way. And I actually tell I tell people, do yourself a favor, give yourself a life review while you’re here. And I’m actually working with a client who’s doing that we’re actually doing it over a long period of time where we’re literally going through her life and journaling the whole thing. But when you know, we tend to, you’re right, we look back on our lives, but we tend to focus on the things that we think we did wrong, right. And it’s just as important that things that we did, right? You know, and I
come across, especially when you’re in grief, it’s really challenging to think of the good ways that you are a parent when you’re grieving and missing your child. That is I’m not saying this is an easy thing to do. But it’s an important thing. You know, if you’re if you’re able to think of 50 things you did wrong, you should at least be able to come up with five that you did. Right, right. And one day, I promise you that that list you did right is going to far exceed and outweigh the list of regrets that you have. I promise you that.
Brian Smith 32:16
Yeah, I like that. I’ve really liked helping people to do that. Because I’ve done that with people. So I want to put that out here now to people. As you’re going through, you know, the things that you quote did wrong, think about things you did, right. And you know, it’s interesting because with with me, for example, Shana was 15 and a half when she transitioned, but we homeschooled her for the first eight years of school. So I worked from home and my wife worked from home, we spent a lot of time together. And so when I think about her life, instead of me thinking, Oh, I didn’t get to spend that much time with her. I got some more time with her in 15 years, than most parents do in 30 or 40 years. Right, we’re together all day every day long and I choose to focus on that how much great time we had together.
And also maybe even being grateful or finding a space of gratitude that you were chosen to be the parents because these things are just don’t happen randomly. You know, again, that’s an agreement as well to that Shana chose you to be her dad there was a reason for that. What was it that you brought to her life and what did she bring to yours? But the part that we lost over so much is what did what did what did we get to them? That was good, because again, like you said, we focus so much on the woulda, shoulda coulda if only what if it’s so important to remember Oh remember that day we smiled laughed over something so silly you know and and I was there for you. It’s important to make yourself remember those events as well kind of balances out the sadness a little bit.
Brian Smith 33:40
Yeah, I think it does and I choose to focus on that and so when pictures come out and this is I’m six years out so I’m not saying this happens you know at first when people but when memories come up now again I told you the other day that that memory came up and it triggered me and I felt really bad I missed her a lot but usually when I see a memory come up like Shana and I we cleaned squid together we bought squid and she was only one that helped me or we were the first time I took her to White Castle you know for hamburgers like that. I said that was such a great time that was such a great memory. And I was
he was really sorry to interrupt you for me that’s so important because this is something I should mention too. I am hurting what I’m writing about is the way that they tell me that they looped back over memories and they are so specific with the let’s use the squid memory sometimes they just describe the smell the scent of feeling a sensory they tend to go over those memories and over review them look at the enjoy them feel. I mean it is it is so important to share in those memories. The good ones are more so important than anything that you might consider bad because they those as well, too. They can’t they just loop and and sit in that space. It’s so wonderful to know that we can do that.
Brian Smith 34:50
Yeah, so we should do that. And we should we should say hey, look at this great thing that I did. I gave this child this experience. You know I brought this child in. We don’t bring them in but they come through us, right? And and we gave him this experience. And I also want to reiterate what you said about them choosing us, the girls, we had never talked about this before. And when they were sitting at the table, they were like seven and four. And they said, We remember being in heaven and choosing you as our parents. That is not a concept that we gave them. And I’ve never forgotten that. And it makes me feel so proud that they will choose us. So, you know, I hold on to that. And I and I look at Shana, as we’re a team. She’s my partner. Yeah. And so this is, again, this is what I’ve come to from, I’ve had the blessing of being able to talk with people like you, you know, over the last five or six years, and this is the view that I’ve come to that we’re team. She’s here right now. But the reason why she’s in my background, I never want to forget that she’s with me every day.
They’re there, they could never be part, they really could just never be separate from us. And again, I’ll say more so in spirit, because there’s not the ego there. I don’t I don’t have to watch out for myself. But there’s no I don’t have to even with Eretz, there’s no guarding, I’m not gonna yell at me to clean my room or pick that up. It’s just pure unconditional love. That is what it is 100% of the time. So you have a sweeter relationship with them actually, in spirit. I know that’s a poor substitute for them not being here. But it is absolutely true that it is it’s you’re able to grow the bond we just are. It’s it’s take. So it’s a little challenging. It’s not easy the first time for everybody, but it’s absolutely possible. 100%
Brian Smith 36:29
and it’s it’s how you look at it, it’s trusting that the bond is there, because it’s not the same. You know, I was talking with a medium a couple days ago, my wife and I were doing a reading. And my wife said, do I communicate with Shane? Or do I connect with her meditation? And the medium corrected her and said, You connect with her all the time. Right? And so a lot of times what we’re hearing that voice in our head, that imaginary conversation we’re having with our kid
is not imaginary at all. No, no it and also with you mentioning the the pictures, the memories, I think sometimes they’re able to kind of insert those and insert the feeling behind that as well too. I am so impressed with people in spirit, they seem much more powerful than anything you or I could ever do. And they again, they’re just it’s impossible and as a fallacy Li it’s the big lie that we are disconnected with someone once we don’t have them physically anymore. That is impossible. Absolutely. And possibility.
Brian Smith 37:27
Well, the other thing I’ve come to realize is like what Shana For example, I mean, Shana, now if she were here would be 21 so she’d be off at school. And then God only knows that our relationship be like a Shana was a strong willed child. So, you know, we always imagined it would be great the way it always was. But who knows. But the thing is my my other daughter Kayla, she lives 25 minutes away. I don’t, I don’t get to talk to kale every day, I sometimes see her for weeks. I talked to Shayna every day, I mean randomly talk to her every day. So in a sense, we’re closer than we would be if she were
there. I find that true. I absolutely find that true. I know after my husband passed away, I I felt him around even more, I felt a deeper connection with him. But him being in spirit than I did when he was physically here for a long, long, long time. It was and he was on, you know, in your child, your child especially you just always want to have that connection and going and going. But it’s possible for every relationship, it doesn’t matter who the person was for you to continue that bond and connection. And one thing is slightly veering off of that just a second break. Sure. When you find yourself in the grief as all of us will mean whether it’s a child, God forbid or not, it’s important to remind yourself on a couple occasions because it’s something that we don’t get out of our mind for a very long time. How much of the time when that person was here? Did I spend my day thinking about them? That should really be a legitimate question we asked ourselves if it was all day then good then you continue doing that immediately. But if not then I you know it’s not possible in the beginning to do this always but it is possible Okay, if I thought about you an hour a day I’m going to set aside an hour a day to spend with you in spirit then that’s really going to give myself that maybe put a timer on it maybe a limit that a little bit if possible. I don’t know that it’s always possible for us to do that. But even just remembering how much that they filled your thoughts before they were not here.
Brian Smith 39:24
Yeah, yeah. I think that’s a that’s a great practice is a great thing to do.
It’s hard to do at the beginning. So this is not beginner advice. This this is maybe a couple years down the road maybe for some people it is beginner advice but for most of us It does take some practice to get to that point of knowing and trusting and having faith they’re still around is that little voice that little conscious that we hear that connectedness is them decides that they send us away that they know that there were okay. It’s important to remember and then remember that they are still okay as we are healing. Our healing is not dependent on their being okay assume the best they are Oh Okay.
Brian Smith 40:01
Yeah. And that’s, that’s what everybody says is that they are okay. And we should assume that because, again, the grief is so complicated, there’s so much going on. There are few things that we can we can throw out, you know, we should we can, we should I don’t like to use Word should, but few things that that we can say, I’m going to take a different perspective on this. One is I’m not going to feel guilty that I caused him to leave early, you know?
And after practice that that is a practice to do that. But it is and that is absolute truth that he didn’t unequivocally, you had nothing to do with their transition. None. None. Even if you played a part in it, even if you were there, even if you witnessed it. You had nothing to do with it at all. Right? You’re you were just none of us that powerful.
Brian Smith 40:43
Right. And by the way, it’s not it’s not a punishment, either, right. We think of a of a short life as a tragedy, right. So it’s like, I played a role in taking something away from them because they weren’t here very long. Again, you know, just a couple of weeks ago, last week, I was having read the meeting, we’re talking about Shana transition and the way she lived her life was so full out. So I want to experience everything that life wasn’t gonna be her life. And the meeting was saying Shayna is saying she never will you talk about Shayna 18, or 20, or 21. She never planned to be here that long. That was not her plan. So right, all these things that we were worried about in the future, Shayna wasn’t worried about, at least on some level.
Yeah. And I think it although it is a taboo topic, and not all of us have this experience, I think for myself, and it’s not unusual for other parents to kind of have a sense of, Oh, this child we might not have forever. So I don’t you know, I just want to also put that out there that some of us had a sense or a feeling that that particular child, we might not have the same experience with his other children.
Brian Smith 41:44
Yeah, I know some people have that. You know, it’s interesting, Shayna gave us signs and actually flat out said at one time, she didn’t want to know if we didn’t think she was great position at all, at all. But she said, I don’t, I don’t want to grow up. And I don’t want to do more like Shana, you have to be an adult. You have to move out of the house. She’s all these things are great. We’ve seen her as part of the deal when we come in Shane, and we agreed to do these things. And it’s I hear this coming back to me now and soon is going yeah, no, right.
Right, I told you.
Brian Smith 42:13
So but the thing is, let’s not look at it as a tragedy, at least from their perspective. Now, we might feel like we’re missing out and we’re gonna think I’m not going to have grandchildren. You know, I’m not going to get to go to the wedding. You know, those types of things. And that’s fine. That’s normal. That’s normal feelings, but don’t feel like they’re missing out as well.
Right? Absolutely. And they can have those events and occasions and spirit, if that’s something that they choose to do if they feel that that was unfulfilled in their life, or if they have never seen it, but if someone in spirit felt like, Oh, I didn’t get to do this here, I really wanted to do it. It’s certainly an experience they can have in spirit as well, too.
Brian Smith 42:51
Yeah. So what so what is what do you think are few now what’s the reunion like when we were in like, so I’m, who knows how long it’s gonna be before I see Shana. Again, it could be another X number of years, I hope it’s not gonna be too long. But what’s that reunion, what do we have to look forward to?
It is it is, it is the hug, it is just the how it is, every part of your being is just embrace hug, it feels like we never let them go. And there is a deep understanding at that moment. That second, there is no separation. That was all that was the big lie that we are separate from anybody or anything in spirit. It is it is a reunion, like you could not imagine. And it can be some people have for an extended period of time before they start the life review. Some people want to do it very abbreviated, mostly children seem to do it for a prolonged period of time, adults, older adults in particular, they go, let’s not just like freak you out. But everybody, everybody has that same embrace. And we all know where we are. There doesn’t seem to be any confusion of that. Someone asked me yesterday about how many readings I’ve done. Let’s go conservatively. 800,000. Like that’s a big number. But I’ve been doing this a long time. I’ve had three people out of 800,003 in spirit that that had a confusion as a transition. So I mean, I don’t I’m not a math person. But that was that point. 000001. It’s so anomalous, that happened. We all seem to know where we are. We’re embraced. There’s recognition. If you’ve lost a younger child, and perhaps don’t have grandparents that don’t have grandparents over there. There are other souls that we know that child angels, some people want to see Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, things like that. We are not alone in those moments. Never Alone. No one has ever expressed that to me that we are alone in this.
Brian Smith 44:34
Yeah, you just answered a question that I forgot to ask. But I’m glad you did. Because sometimes I hear people say well, they were so young, they don’t have any grandparents and they have nothing there that knows
me. Right? Who’s gonna watch my child? What are they going to be doing? Are they you know, is in purgatory? What is you know, no, it is they know where they are. They were just there. You know that that is that is home to them. That’s their home base. So did I get to see confusion in a child Never anytime. Yeah.
Brian Smith 45:03
I also want to read her what you just said about home? Because that’s been my understanding is we, we think of this as a foreign place because we’ve forgotten. But my understanding is when we, when we go back, everybody says, I have this feeling like, I’m home like, like, I’m back from a vacation. When you come back from a long day at work, and you walk into your house and you just you know
where you are, is it is you can you kind of exhale and go, okay, dun, dun, no, really, it seems that we kind of want to grade or evaluate ourselves, even children in this, they want to look back and go, did I do it? Let’s go young child under five. Did I do these X, Y and Z that I wanted to do? almost universally? The answer is yes, there is a sense of pride satisfaction, and then we just kind of melt into we don’t we say are saying but we kind of just melt into that loving sense of home. Heavenly home. That that’s that was my experience. I’m so grateful for that. But it’s not anomalous. Literally. I’ve had no child in spirit tell me that there. They didn’t know where they were. It was not a lovely, beautiful connection. They were back home.
Brian Smith 46:03
Yeah. Well, that’s, that’s a that’s a good thing to say. Because again, I think some of us are worried I promised my child that they suffer. You know, are they confused?
Especially Yeah, especially parents that have lost their child to prolonged illnesses or addiction or suicide, you know, mental health issues, things like that. There’s a lot of fear that do we carry for them that they don’t carry over there, you know, immediately they put all of that doubt, they talk very succinctly about the struggle, I didn’t want to go struggles, because for a lot of people choosing choosing addiction to have an experience, if you’re there’s lessons in that as well, too. So they’re very objective. They’re very, very objective about the choices that they make. And not a lot of self recrimination, I’d be really hard pressed to think of five children, young people in spirit that have talked about really being disappointed with themselves. That is a really low number brain, like really low. So it just doesn’t seem to happen. We seem to that you show up here takes a really strong constitution that you agree to come into a body here that you agree to show up. So I think we’re all warriors to when we leave here. Yeah, yeah. Showing up.
Brian Smith 47:09
Yeah, this place is not easy, right. It’s not easy for anybody. And I think again, sometimes we we don’t give ourselves enough credit as, as people that are that are here and continue for the way that we do that this is a it’s quite a quite a warrior thing to show. And to stay. And so much agree to go through, you know, we You and I have gone through which, you know, is something
missing in the world. I mean, let’s not beat around the bush, because I’m I don’t I do not want anyone to think this was an easy event to go through. And, you know, oh, no joke. I mean, there were many times I just didn’t didn’t think I could be here and real close to making that happen. So it was it was hard, but it is survivable. And it is something that when you go through it, and you survive a little bit, then you begin to notice that you can thrive and good news, bad news, most of us are going to survive this kind of loss. So it’s how do we deal with it after?
Brian Smith 48:05
And I want to point out to people that you’re saying this is someone who’s seen spirit, always
my life and my entire life, but when it’s your child, when it’s your someone that you love you really question much like everybody else. Is this really real? I need this to be real, because I’m hurting really bad. And if this isn’t real, I don’t know that I can do this. I don’t you know, I think that’s something we’ve all been through this kind of loss. So it’s, it’s it’s tough, but it is. There is a reason behind it.
Brian Smith 48:36
Yeah. And I say that because I want people to know that you’re not weak. If you feel that way, that there’s nothing wrong with you. Because if someone and I look at someone like yourself, or I remember when I listen to Mary Neal’s story, and she talks about finding out her son is going to she’s been told that her son is right to transition early. And then when it happens, she’s still grieves. And I’m, well, if she could mean,
I knew my child was not going to be here for I knew that in every part of my being. And I just I was so proactive, doing everything that I could do. I couldn’t buy another breath, couldn’t do it, couldn’t negotiate couldn’t do anything. And the grief was like a Mack truck hitting me for a very long time. Yeah, and like everybody else thinking, What did she Miss? What did everybody else Miss? And you know, it was hard. But as I’ve aged, and as I’ve, I’ve learned, I’ve found that there’s nothing that they are missing. And there’s really nothing that I’m missing, as well, too.
Brian Smith 49:34
Yeah, yeah. Well, I think I think for me, it’s believing that things are as they’re supposed to be, in spite of how they may seem or in spite of how I may wish that they were different. Because sometimes, frankly, we just don’t know what’s the best thing for us. I think our and we plan to do so coming in the other thing. The other thing I guess I want to address is like so who plans because some people say well, God plan this and God gave me a crappy life.
Um, I think that we choose this, I think that we’re choosing this with the help of our guides, certainly everybody that we come in and have these intimate relationships with, certainly you would have chosen this with your daughter or with your wife with your other children as well, too. We are sometimes advised not to take on so much, but we’re never prohibited from doing that. But, uh, you know, you certainly wouldn’t take on something that you could not handle, accomplishing in any way, just sometimes some of us choose to take a bigger portion than others. And I’m like, what, what in the world were we thinking, you know, remind me to talk to myself over there, because this is a lot. But it is, you know, you make the choice, there’s agreement and with the knowledge and understand that this is transitory, this place, this is not real. This is the dream spot. That’s the real space. That’s where everything is always connected.
Brian Smith 50:51
And that’s the key is about when people say I would have never chosen this, that’s because you’re stuck in the mindset of this is permanent, right? That this is real. If you if you look at it from analogies, I think help a lot. So when you go to the gym, when you’re in the gym, and you’re on that machine, you’re doing bench press, or whatever, and it’s hurting. You don’t say I didn’t choose to do this, you’re like, of course, I chose to do this because I know,
they differed on the exercise stuff. Because that’s not a play like that. That is not a place I’m familiar with. But you’re right. Yeah, but
Brian Smith 51:21
we do we choose things that I think about, like, you know, another analogy, when you take your kids to give them a shot, right? And they get the they get the injection and they’re screaming and crying. Why would they do this to me? Well, I’m doing this to you for your own good. So our higher self chooses things for ourselves. And knowing that we can’t really get hurt, that we really can’t mess this up that we really can’t fail.
But let’s kind of be clear about what that higher self? Is it our higher self as ourselves before we come down into our body. So we are not some like is there another? Isabella out there somewhere? Is there no, Brian, it is it is the part of yourself that is whole. It’s that little drop of God that we all are that knows, okay, my soul would really like to learn this. Maybe I’ve tried to learn in other lifetimes I wasn’t as successful as I wanted to be. Or maybe this is my first time trying this. So we’ll come in and negotiate. There’s a lot of negotiation, your daughter would have had to agree there. Maybe she negotiated with you. This is something she wanted to express. You’re like, Oh, I don’t know. So it’s negotiation. It’s given take, and then we come in, and we should not remember. We should not remember these. Because if we remembered then really how how much would we be learning I would always kind of know. This isn’t exactly real. So we could have some magical thinking going on. I think it’s important that we don’t remember the why
Brian Smith 52:38
oh, well, actually, there’s two things was that one I like we kind of correct me on the higher self. But I’m going to talk about that. Because that sounds such a lofty thing, maybe a better term to be would say our true self. Because we that is as who we really are. This is the this is the avatar, this is the the squeeze down mini version of us that forgets who we really are. And also
that this squeeze down version of yourself has also been affected by everyone else’s squeeze down version. So if I’m the first second I’m born, what happens to me immediately smacked on the butt. And there’s people that I don’t know it’s a sterile room there. It’s it’s a frightening, terrifying experience to be born, then we go to school, maybe the teacher doesn’t love us, maybe there’s conflict with their friends. So we start to lose that sense of our perfect self pretty quickly coming in, and we start to absorb and take on everyone else’s opinion of us. So you have to remember your highest self is what I think we should all try to do and aim to do. But it’s really challenging in a body to remember, we are pure, we are perfect. I am not a reflection of your opinion of me at all. That’s your I am I am here for what I can teach you always. It’s same for you for me.
Brian Smith 53:45
Yeah, that’s awesome. I think that’s so important. You know, it’s funny, because I’ve been my dreams of becoming more and more lucid. And I kind of look at this world as kind of a dream. And so as we’re learning this stuff, we’re becoming more and more lucid. And, you know, I had a dream last night, and sometimes I’ll get in tough situations and dream. I’m just like, wake up, and I wake up. So that happened last night, actually. So we can we can do things to work on. It’s like the movie, the matrix, getting out of the matrix straight through the matrix. And that just opens up a whole new world and it makes this world seem so much more tolerable.
And know that that is your child’s experience as well too. They have reconnected with that perfect sense of themselves. They no longer have an illness an earache or mist and do their homework and get to drive today. They are living their perfect highest existence and and they want that for us or they want us to remember that about them as well.
Brian Smith 54:42
Yeah, we I think I think they absolutely do and what I’m hoping to get out of this conversation with you today for people that are listening is that that reminder that that it’s something we already know, you know, and so if this if this is resonating with you, if you’re listening to this, and you’re thinking that sounds kind of familiar, it’s because you know it somewhere in the back of your mind, and we just need to bring it forward.
You know, it’s, again, it’s not easy to get to this space. It wasn’t like you and I woke up one day and like, Oh, I’m on Zen not that’s not that’s not reality. For most of us, we don’t have that easy experience. It’s hard work to learn these lessons, I don’t want to use the word lessons, because that sounds punitive. It’s hard to have these experiences and come out of them with something that’s positive in the beginning. But it is possible, it is absolutely possible to do that. And again, I just reiterate, whatever way works for you to connect with your child, do that, do that, do that. And please, please, please assume the best assume that they are with us because they’re in this spot of love. And as much as you love them that’s returned and reciprocated. And they want you to feel that. And it’s not something we always feel or feel often even especially in the beginning, but it is attainable, it absolutely is attainable, you’re doing nothing wrong. By the way, if you don’t have that right at this moment, because most of us don’t sit in that always. We just don’t even even when they’re here. I don’t feel that lovey dovey about everybody all the time. It’s just not possible. But it is possible to have those moments of that again. Yeah, that’s
Brian Smith 56:13
a really good point, too, because and I always try to be real, just like you are with people. I don’t live even in the space we are talking about right now all the time. This is why I try to live, right? This is why I do what I do. Because I always want to be reminding myself because I have to otherwise I will fall into what was me, you know, I’ve got this trouble, I’ve got that trouble. This is always going to be this way. All these things are human is part of the human experience, that we came here to have these emotions.
But if you were allowed to allow yourself to go back into that space, and what how would that honor your child and the work that you’re doing? Now? That’s because of her. You know, I don’t know what you did before this, but certainly afterwards the amount of people that you’ve been able to touch and reach into their life and encourage. It’s phenomenal. So that’s an honor to your child as well.
Brian Smith 56:59
Absolutely. Yeah, I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t live in this space every moment of every day. Yeah, it’s it’s it’s even even, you know, this is why I do my mindfulness. I do my meditation everyday why I do all the practices I do, because it’s it’s human. We’re while we’re in the body, as you said earlier, it’s hard to keep this that connection, because our ego is here to keep us alive. Our ego looks out for danger. It looks out for fear, it says look out for that. Watch out for this. And so that’s our ego. It’s not our enemy. It’s there to protect us. Right. But sometimes we get it, we have to rise above that and say, No, everything’s okay. You know?
Well, there’s a bit something that I’ve recently learned, I can’t believe it took me 50 plus years to learn if there’s a big difference between fear and danger. And I had been succumbing to fear a long time in my life. And I realized I can kind of reevaluate and readjust that. Is there an imminent danger coming toward me? Or is this a fear, if it’s a fear, I have to push through, I have to I have to walk through it. I forced myself to go through things that I fear, that gives me anxiety, caution, I’ll make myself do it. Because that’s how we grew up. That’s how I grew up. It’s the fear, you pay attention, the danger, you pay attention to the fear, you just kind of push through.
Brian Smith 58:09
Yeah, I was talking to someone just a couple days ago, and they were doing something they said, I’m not courageous, because I’m afraid. And I’m doing it. I said, No, that means you’re actually courageous. If you didn’t have any fear, that’s not courage. If we do something you’re not afraid of. That’s that, that court, courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. So you’re no fear, fear is there, and we need to push through it. As you’re right, we need to look out for danger. The other thing that I’ve realized, and this was just actually early this week, he came to me I was talking to a client, you know, the difference between worry and planning. So because we need to plan for the future, I said, if you if you could do something about something, then that’s planning, we need to plan for retirement, we need to plan for that. But if you’re sitting there and you’re thinking about something that you can’t control, that’s going to happen in 20 years, that’s worrying and that we can let go of
and you can also loop that back around to the loss as well too. I’m I’m worrying about something that’s already happened that I would had any control over when they were here. I mean it These things are not separate. Because I don’t know about you, but for me after losing a child, my sense of fear and anxiety and worry just went through the roof for a very long time. It emanated through every other part of my life because I wanted to control it. I didn’t want to ever feel that loss. Again. I just thought worst pain ever. Never want to go through and I still to just super honest, I still have a lot of avoidance, especially with my children, you know, I just don’t, I will avoid it and do everything I can to never feel that pain again. But could I control it? I can’t control what anyone else says I can’t control their choices. I can work on my sense of safety and trust in the universe that I am taking care of even if it does not appear to be so right at this moment. Yeah. But it does not appear that I am
Brian Smith 59:57
Yeah, honestly I have a little bit of both on the one hand I learned that I can’t control everything because Shana passed away in her in her bedroom, there was nothing I could do about it so that I learned that lesson. But on the other hand, I do have PTSD. My daughter got a coach earlier today. And she never called him when she can, every time she calls or something wrong. So yeah, you know, the, the phone rings. And this is actually one time she just needed help. She was at Walmart, and she needed you know, she didn’t get my advice or something. But yeah, when the when the phone rings, and it’s kale or something I still like go to a
lot of, you know, a lot of us do. And there’s certain time you don’t ever want to get a call after 11 or 12. Like those are never good. But it is, it’s possible to kind of let that go breathe through it and find that center. Again. It’s, it’s something that I have to do frequently. But it is possible to kind of get myself back in this moment.
Brian Smith 1:00:48
And it comes back to believing that ultimately everything is going to be okay. And I could get to that point pretty quickly. You know, now, something happens. And I’m like, this is terrible. And I’m like, Okay, wait a minute, it’s not that bad. Yeah, it’s really not that bad in the scheme of things.
Well, once you’ve been through this kind of loss, like I said, Did trying to avoid ever feeling that pain again, but in that’s the part where we can kind of look back and go, Oh, I’m trying to avoid that pain for myself. So again, selfishness is not a bad word. I’m of the mind. It just shouldn’t be a four letter word. It is a way of to protecting ourselves. But is it? Is it doable? Not really, you know, it’s something it’s it’s very rarely successful.
Brian Smith 1:01:29
Yeah, well, their challenges we set their their challenges to being human. I think it’s that way by design. The other thing I’ve come to learn is, Earth is a pain school is pain is designed into this experience, you’re not a burden,
it is 100,000% immersion, we learned everything over there, you know, book wise clinical, and then we come down here, and we actually do the work, which is we couldn’t have the same experience of being rubbed in certain way or, or a challenge in this area, that those don’t really exist in spirit. This is the only place where we put everything into action that we’ve learned.
Brian Smith 1:02:03
Yeah, that’s your badge, I just want to bring this up to you is kind of an aside, I’ve seen I’ve talked to so many people that say, this is my last time here. I’m never doing this again, especially again, parents. So how do you feel about what people say that?
Well, I knew immediately, when I had my n d. That was within 30 seconds, I was like, I’m gonna come back and do this again. I know, I’m going to do it again. And we have something so trivial that I had done to someone else when I was six years old, but I was like, No, no, I really, I could see how I made that person feel. And I want to correct that. I want to I know I mean, I when I was in the beginning of this the first five, seven years, I thought there’s no way I would ever come back now. I’m hopeful to come back.
Brian Smith 1:02:43
Yeah, it’s kind of funny, because same I was just saying I’m never doing this again. Never do right. Yeah. When I hear people say that I just kind of snicker. I’m like yeah,
right. Okay. You might change your mind. You might not but you know, most of us I think would want to come back and do what if you were given the opportunity to have this long experience with your child or the person that you love? You know, what if it look delightful? life very rarely is painful. We’ve come in here to have these experience does not have to be painful. Always. It just doesn’t. There’s so much more beauty outside of the pain, but the pain has to show up.
Brian Smith 1:03:19
Yeah, that’s part of it is about I really appreciate you hanging out with me, Brian, we didn’t talk but I do want to touch on you are you’re working on a book or maybe even more than one book. So a lot of people know that.
One is about what do they do over there all day. So yeah, really the I there’s I think I’ve got five people in spirit. And I have really strong connections with mostly young people that really just fill me in with all the details on what is it like to be in spirit, the prolonged sense of it over there. So a lot of details of that.
Brian Smith 1:03:51
Awesome. Well, when that comes out, you have to come back and let me know.
I will let you know. I will do that, Brian. Thank you.
Brian Smith 1:03:56
All right, what’s great talking to you have a great rest of your day.
Thank you too.
Brian Smith 1:04:00
Bye. That’s it for another episode of grief to growth. I sure hope you got something out of it. Please stay in contact with me by reaching out at www dot grief to growth calm. That’s grief the number two growth calm or you can text the word growth to 31996. That’s simply text growth gr o wt h 231996. So if you’re watching this on YouTube, please make sure you’re subscribed. So hit the subscribe button and then hit the little bell here and it’ll notify you when I have new content. Always please share the information if you enjoy it. That helps me to get more views and to get the message out to more people. Thanks a lot and have a wonderful day.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai