As I think back over Shayna’s life trying to make sense of what happened, things are coming to mind that, in hindsight, are convincing me that Shayna might have known more than she told us about what her future held.
When the girls were little they both told us that they remembered being in heaven and choosing our family. That was before I knew anything about soul groups or pre-birth agreements or anything of the like. That idea certainly did not come from us. A few years later, I don’t know exactly when, Shayna told Ty that she was not afraid to die and couldn’t understand why anyone would be. When Shayna began having her racing heart issues she waited God knows how long to tell us. It wasn’t until she nearly blacked out one day that she thought it was something we needed to know. Shayna took all of her medical procedures (four times in the operating room) in stride, never once showing any fear.
Shayna didn’t talk much about growing up, at least to us. I do recall when she was about 10 or so and Kayla was starting to go through puberty that Shayna was very upset that she had to become a woman. Shayna loved childhood. She cried when she found out she had to get boobs, had to have a period. All of that stuff. Shayna still enjoyed My Little Ponies, stuffed animals, especially penguins. Shayna loved the magic of childhood and being the baby of the family.
More recently, just in May around Mother’s Day she told her cousins and Kayla that when she died she wanted to be cremated. We don’t know the exact circumstances. We asked if Kayla had shared her final wishes with Shayna and she said she had not. Why did Shayna bring that up? And, also in May Shayna told at least one person that if she died or when she died she wanted to die in her sleep.
As I think back over my own life, I have had the fear of sudden death since I was young. It got really strong when I was around Shayna’s age. I might have been a little older. As a result of that I have studied a lot about death and the afterlife and anything I can find on phenomena that prove or at least support the idea we survive physical death. I have become firmly convinced that while the body dies, the soul goes on and all souls (at least eventually) are reconciled back to God/Spirit/Source whatever you want to call It/Him. I did this because of the fear of my own demise and not wanting to believe that a.) God was going to send me to Hell or b.) I would simply vanish. So, when Shayna crossed over I never for a second thought Shayna was gone. She is not gone. I think Shayna had that same confidence without all the studying I have had to do. And as I was studying some more this morning, it hit me. Was all of that in preparation for this moment? I ask that because it’s the only thing keeping me sane right now.
One Comment
I too recall little things Christina said that last year or 2 of her life that were clear signs she knew she’d never need to have a specific college major, never have kids. This was a change from how she talked about her future as a child.
You mention preparation, and I do believe it kept you sane. I did not have that. I went through the motions. My son, now 24, was cruel, angry. I tried to help everyone. Thank God for discovering Suzanne G. It began my healing journey.
Reading this is really helping. It clearly comes from deep honesty and introspection and I can relate with so much and it makes me feel like I wasn’t alone in some of these specific feelings.
Thanks, Brian and Ty for sharing your lives and your Shayna!!